UnNews:Bush to play Darth Vader in latest Star Wars movie
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Bush to play Darth Vader in latest Star Wars movie
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 1, 2016, 05:40:UTC)(
30 October 2007
HOLLYWOOD, USA (UnNews) – LucasFilm, producers of the six Star Wars hit movies, today announced U.S. President George W. Bush will play evil Sith Lord Darth Vader in the next film in the series, Star Wars VII : Armageddon.
Our UnNews reporter Hand Solo obtained secret details of the movie's plot. They show Vader’s evil machinations as he attempts to take over the planet Irna. Although the planet is largely desert and populated by towel wearing dervishes, Irna has the last reserves of oil in the galaxy. Oil is the staple diet of the Sith and vital to their continued existence. Vader is determined to get his hands on the oil whatever the cost.
Opposing the Sith Lord’s plan stand two member states of the Galactic Federation. The Hujintaos are a fierce tribe of small yellow clones who have grown rich from lead mining and the parallel manufacture of children’s toys. By their side stand the bear-like Putins, renowned for their ability to drink neat anti-freeze and fight armed only with a sharpened cucumber.
According to insiders, veteran action film directors Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are tipped to co-direct the new movie whilst former Playboy Playmate Condoleezza Rice will provide the film’s love interest.
Commenting on the announcement George W. Bush said, “I always wanted to be a movie star on the world stage. When I was a kid Ronald Reagan was my hero; he became President too you know, so there’s a long tradition of role-play in the White House.” Bush continued, “Some people may criticize me for going over to the Dark Side, all I’ll say is I find the idea of galactic domination appealing.”
The movie studio remained tight-lipped about the film’s ending. “Maybe Irna will be destroyed, maybe it won’t,” said George Lucas, the film’s 107 year old producer, “Shooting is due to begin any time now, maybe with a little carpet bombing first to liven things up.”
Life long Star Wars devotee Ewan McGregor, who underwent a full body transplant to become like his idol Yoda, said, “Excited I am. Natural is Bush for this role. Totally scary and merciless he is – just like Vader. All I’d say is, ‘Watch out Irna! On the way George Dubya is and kick ass he does!’”
- Castro F. and Kruschev N. "Here We Go Again, Memories of a Cuban Missile Crisis". Annals of World Domination, October 30, 1963