UnNews:Bush takes cue from Chavez; vows to nationalize media
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
9 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
WASHINGTON, DC -- In a move described by the White House as being "in the spirit of bipartisanship," President Bush echoed Venezuelan leader Chavez's decision to nationalize all media companies. In a surprise speech to the nation, Bush characterized the media as "a vital tool that must be in the hands of the government, so that strategerizing terrorists can't corrupt it and distribute their propaganda to the American people."
Sources say that the decision was a spur-of-the-moment idea prompted by a similar edict issues earlier in the day by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who vowed to nationalize his country's telecom and electrical industries. Political experts were stunned to see Bush embracing ideas put forth by his sworn enemy, whom he often refers to as "that commie, pinko bastard," but savvy conservative pundits quickly saw the brilliance behind the controversial decision.
In a follow-up press conference, spokesman Tony Snow described the plan as "bipartisan" in nature because it appeals to the socialist values of the Democrats. "The president is really reaching out across the aisle here; this is a huge concession to the liberals," claimed Snow. He added that as an added bonus to the Democrats, the plan will come in the form of an executive order instead of legislation, so that Congress doesn't have to "waste time" voting on the measure.
Details of the nationalization plan are not yet finalized, but draft copies leaked to reporters provide a glimpse into the future. The major broadcast networks - ABC, NBC, and CBS - will be completely eliminated, as will cable channel CNN. Fox News was chosen as the sole survivor, the reason being that only "minimal changes" will be needed to adapt its governance to come straight from the White House instead of shareholders. MSNBC was graciously allowed to continue broadcasting as well, simply because "nobody watches it anyway, so it's not a threat." Newspapers are to be abolished completely, as the President "doesn't like to read." On the Internet, only UnNews will be allowed to stay online because Bush "prefers humorous fiction over truth," explained Snow (see Iraq).
The reaction from most journalists was predictably unfavorable. CNN's Wolf Blitzer appeared to be most distraught and was reportedly seen howling through the night in the Situation Room. Harsh penalties are in store for those who oppose the nationalization plan, with Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez hinting, "You've all seen what happened to Saddam."