UnNews:Bush stops campaigning after realizing upcoming election is not for President
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Bush stops campaigning after realizing upcoming election is not for President
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 27, 2015, 21:29:UTC)(
3 November 2006
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BILLINGS, Montana -- President Bush was stunned on Thursday when aides finally explained to him that the upcoming November 7th elections are for Congress only, and that his job is safe. The incumbent's first reaction was that of anger, which quickly turned to joy when he realized this guaranteed two more years in office for him.
The sobering news came after a stump speech in Montana for Senator Conrad Burns, after which the President remarked to an aide, "I wish the crowd had more 're-elect Bush' signs instead of ones for that Burns guy." That's when Chief of Staff Don Bartlett gently informed the President that he was not going to be on the ballot, and that his job was safe. It took a few more minutes of explaining before Bush finally realized the full meaning; his initial response was, "Oh, so Congress already passed that law making me President for Life? Great!"
Upon learning that he'll be in office for 2 more years no matter what, the President canceled the remainder of his hectic campaigning schedule and immediately ordered to be flown for vacation to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, the President joked, "You liberal media folk always ask what I think the biggest mistake of my Presidency was - well, this was it - wasting time campaigning when I could have been clearing brush at my ranch."
Had Bush actually been running for re-election, his prospects would be bleak, with polls showing support for him hovering in the mid thirties. However, these types of statistics have previously left the President unfazed, and sources say he would often drop puzzling comments like "35 percent? That's good - that means a clear majority of patriotic Americans is behind me."
Meanwhile, desperate Republican Congressional candidates are disappointed in Bush's sudden withdrawal from the campaign trail, although many are thankful that John Kerry has chipped in. "Mr. Kerry's latest speeches have really rallied our base," said Pennsylvania candidate Santorum. Still, nothing compares to the motivational powers of Bush's fiery speeches threatening to send dissenters - a.k.a. Democratic voters - to Guantanamo Bay.
White House staffers are now thinking of ways to explain the 2-term limit to Mr. Bush, who has already vowed to use his experience from this pointless campaign for "the real deal" in 2008. The smug President confidently remarked he "was prepared for the voters to come on November 7th, so I'll certainly be ready for them 2 years from now. It'll be a landslide." Although many are skeptical, Karl Rove hinted at the possibility of allowing a third term for the President, if only "Republicans maintain control of the House, or we get to nominate a few more Supreme Court judges."