UnNews:Bush retreats in war on drugs
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
20 March 2007
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GUADALAJARA, Mexico -- President Bush last week declared that the US has changed it's drug strategery from, 'Just Say No', to the not quite as catchy 'How about a little moderation?' While some have speculated that the unpopular president was trying to reach the under represented stoner vote, the White House denies this is the case.
President Bush mumbled these words at a press conference, "We have a saying in Texas...".
At which point the Commander in Chief was interrupted by rude Canadian reporter, "But Sir, were you not born and raised in Connecticut?" A dozen Not-So Secret Service agents then jumped the journalist, Governor McGreevey style , and then began wailin' on his head like the local Mexican fuck trophies do with a pinata.
Shrub was asked what his administration meant by 'moderated drug use'. Bush responded, "You fellas all know about my exploits right? I swear to God, I cannot remember the year 1979 at all. I was so hopped up on speed, cocaine and kittens that I completely missed an entire year. It was awesome! ... ahem... well now... as I'm older... I realise that... that was... foolish. I should have just stuck with the speed... or maybe just the cocaine. You don't need to go whole hog to have a good time. Trust me, as your noble leader and former drug fiend, I know what I'm talking about. Heh Heh."
Former DEA Chief Carlos Mencia lauded the Bush change in America's War on Unpatentable Drugs, "I don't believe for a second that Bush is catering to stoners. Stoners make up only 1% of the voting public, even though they make up 25% of the population. That's not what he's doing here. He's trying to regain the vote of my people. MEXICANS! Why do you think I have a career? Jeez, I have a comedy show and the only person laughing is me! Dee dee dee! I smuggle in drugs for Comedy Central execs and they gave me a show and salary as payment. Ha!"
UnNews was unable to get Nancy Reagan for comment, but she's pissed.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|