UnNews:Bush plans for retirement
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Bush plans for retirement
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 00:54:UTC)(
9 October 2007
Washington DC - It is rumored that George W. Bush, after FINALLY retiring from the U.S. presidency, plans to take up a career in estate management, given his fiscal savvy and wisdom exhibited while in the White House, by which he himself and FOX News are extraordinarily impressed.
Bush and his pappy are fishing for future clients, but to date even his closest ally, Dick Cheney, has disappeared when W comes calling. Cheney, who apparently is quite satisfied with how Halliburton has handled his dough, was heard to say something like "Go f--- yourself." The F word he meant, we assume, was "finance," but as usual with the White House these days, one cannot be too sure of anything.
Papa and Mama, although backing the idea, are said not to be investing in it. "They're too old to risk losing their multi-million dollar nest egg," said an unofficial, anonymous source, believed nevertheless to be one of the twins, both of whom are unauthorized to speak about anything to anyone.
Laura Bush is apparently trying to disabuse her hubby of the idea, suggesting he open a little bicycle repair shop on the ranch, where he is the only one who owns a bicycle for miles around, the rest of the Texan good ol' boys preferring big wheels and loud pickup trucks sporting bent shotguns on rear window racks, a la Cheney.
W, by the way, had also considered manufacturing aluminum fatwahs, until he was told what a fatwah actually was. He is, however, applying for a Notary Fatwah license in Crawford, Texas, as a form of protection against people who might say or write untruthful mean things about him after he leaves the Oval Office. Gonzales, his de facto private legal advisor, has told him it is not against the Constitution for an ex-president to issue fatwahs, now that he can't start a whoopie war or maniacally torture anyone legally.