UnNews:Bush orders "Just In Case" strategy for Armageddon
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Bush orders "Just In Case" strategy for Armageddon
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 2, 2016, 18:23:UTC)(
22 May 2006
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WASHINGTON DC -- In a surprise move, White House Press secretary Tony Snow announced the first "significant change in doomsday strategy since the end of the cold war". As of 05:20 GMT this morning, all nuclear warheads under the control of American forces have been targeted to Meggido, the legendary valley where the Apocalypse will take place. This is in response to a button calling the President a Girly Man, found by President Bush while taking a shower.
As a pre-emptive measure to circumvent the need for planet-wide devastation and total loss of life, Jesus told George W. in a dream that nuking the battlefield as the forces of good and evil assemble could in fact save Christian America and make him the second best Christian in the world. As a bonus all of those Middle-Eastern "brown types" won't be around to cause trouble again.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld botton-lined it like this: "Inherent in our identity as a Christian, American, white... nation, is a responsibility to proceed in harmony with God's plan, but we must also be ready to save lives. The situation now in the Middle East is tense, and will eventually culminate in a cataclysmic battle. This is our point of insertion, our window to a Heavenly future. We launch all our nukes simultaneously, wiping out the whole area, except Christian spots in Israel, that is."
Also on the committee was Rev. Jerry Falwell, who quipped, "In such a fashion shall we prevail, causing the destruction of all heretics. Once that whole area is nucleated, we won't have to worry no more. Can I have an amen, brothers and sisters?!?"
- Jerry "Sweet Cheeks" Falwell "Heathens And Their Justifiable Annihalation". Rotting Carcass Press, June 6, 1666