UnNews:Bush introduces revolutionary legislation to Congress
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Bush introduces revolutionary legislation to Congress
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 25, 2017, 22:18:UTC)(
1 April 2008
Washington, D.C. (UnNews) - In an unprecedented turn of events, United States President George W. Bush has announced that he plans to introduce revolutionary social and economic changes in the United States before he leaves office next year.
Bush says he plans on implementing universal healthcare and education (including post-secondary), renegotiating NAFTA, withdrawing from Iraq by the end of this year, lifting the trade embargo on Cuba, abolishing the Patriot Act, and ending foreign interventions.
Bush called a press conference today to announce the changes, Democrats have been left speechless. Presidential Candidate Barack Obama says he is pleased with the changes but a bit disappointed by them because he says he planned on doing most of them when he is elected to office in November.
When Bush was asked by a reporter why the drastic change in policy, Bush responded "Well we knew for a long time that what we were doing was unpopular, we managed to use fear and intimidation to hold on to power for eight years. It seems now that the American people are no longer buying it so we will actually have to start delivering results. If we don't, the Republican party is toast".
Bush continued on by saying "I realize that our party has made mistakes in the past but with God's forgiveness I hope that we can pass this historical legislation and move forward as a country. It's time to put partisan bickering aside and work together for a better America". Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was reported to have fainted due to shock following Bush's announcement.
Other changes include granting amnesty to illegal immigrants not convicted of a crime (this one is not as popular, Lou Dobbs was reportedly outraged), lowering the drinking age to 19, decriminalizing marijuana, reducing greenhouse gas emissions, abolishing the electoral college and relying on the popular vote instead, the funding of stem-cell research, and banning the teaching of creationism in schools.
Reporters were curious about that last changes given the President's strong religious convictions. Bush responded that he "spoke with God in a dream". He said God told him that it would be immoral not to do stem-cell research due to the amount of lives it would save. Regarding evolution, Bush said that God told him that He created Man but how that process occurred was for us to find out, implying that the theory of evolution is correct. Several Christian fundamentalists such as Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were outraged but most Christians accepted Bush's recommendations.
His friends in the pharmaceutical industry were a different story. Many drug manufacturing companies were outraged at Bush's new found support of stem cell research. An anonymous high-ranking employee of the drug company Pfizer said that "stem cell research could spell an end to the pharmaceutical industry. Without any sick people, how are we supposed to sell drugs?". When a reporter suggested selling recreational drugs instead, the employee reportedly calmed down.
Democrats have almost unanimously supported Bush's new legislation, there have been more mixed feelings in the Republican Party, but many agreed that the legislation seems to make sense and are willing to take a new course. Presidential Candidate John McCain remarked, "Although many of these changes conflict with the ideology I've been brainwashed with since I was a child, holding on to power is more important than political principles. If the Republican party can win the next election, and I can become President, I will support this legislation".
Reporters and politicians alike were beginning to feel hopeful that this was the dawning of a new age in America, one in which no one is left behind. When reporters asked if Bush had any final comments regarding his and his party's new legislation, he responded "April Fools".