UnNews:Bush gives kickback to greedy HMOs
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Bush gives kickback to greedy HMOs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 11:15:UTC)(
Washington, DC - Late yesterday, United States President George W. Bush drew ire from Democrats and consumer health advocacy groups by announcing what many see as simply a kickback to his big-business cronies in the health industry. Speaking from the front lawn of the White House, President Bush issued the announcement to an obviously staged group of cheering supporters at a press conference Monday evening.
The President's speech culminated in the claim that he had singlehandedly discovered the complete, permanent cure for all forms of cancer. Critics, mostly Democrats, but including some moderate Republicans, point out that the cure will almost certainly be administered by doctors, and that people will need to use their health insurance to purchase the cure, thereby securing large profits for Bush's cronies on the boards of large HMOs.
The President remarked that he had the "epiphany" at his Crawford, Texas ranch last week, and had spent much of the week refining, verifying, and finalizing his idea. Critics were quick to point out the rapidness with which he supposedly went from conceptualization to implementation, insinuating that there were pre-made plans involved. Sources close to the president hint that he may have had pre-existing "agreements" with corporate HMOs to filter money through the helath care system from poor minority groups who need the insurance services provided by HMOs to afford healthcare, including Bush's new cancer cure.
Other critics of the President point out that a large portion of the economy is based on current cancer treatments, and the elimination of the need for such treatments will cause large-scale collapse in the pharmaceutical sector, resulting in high job loss, especially among minorities and children. The Center for Research in American Politics Institute also reports that many senior citizens receive substantial discounts on prescrition drugs from medicare and medicaid, some used for cancer therapy. The CRAP Institute noted that by removing the need for prescrition-drug-based cancer treatments, President Bush was effectvely depriving those Senior Citizens of their benefits. They accused Bush of trying to undermine Medicare and Medicaid while providing extra benefits to large corporate healthcare companies.
Congressional Democrats have called for an independent council investigation of the President. "The President has stepped over the line," one Senator told UnNews, "He has put the financial gluttony of HMOs and big business ahead of the needs of the AMerican people. I have already subpoena'd documents from the Library of Congress that I am confident will show that, in college, the President was briefly a member of an extremist group that wanted to kill cancer patients and give money to White corporate CEOs. And eat babies."
Meanwhile, outside the White House today, protesters marched with signs reading "Bush lied, people died," and chanting anti-business slogans. One demonstrator noted that the President delayed the announcement of the cure by over a week. "How many innocent cancer sufferers died in that week, because the President waited too long, and lied about not having a cure for cancer, when he really did? I don't think it was right that he gave those people cancer in the first place. I think he should be impeached," the protestor said.
Peace activist Cynthia Sheenaham said that the president hasn't sent the cancer cure overseas to places such as the Middle East yet. "He is probably trying to blackmail them for oil," Ms. Sheenaham told the reporter who went to her press conference Tuesday morning. "And President Bush never offered to cure cancer for my son, who died in Iraq. True, he diodn't have cancer, but I don't think the President would have offered it if he had."
A celebrity music personality, speaking on condition of anonymity, talked to reporters outside of an impromptu Anti-Bush music concert Tuesday morning. "Many black people are poor," he said, "and need health insurance to pay for medical care. IF they have cancer, they will have to give money to their HMOs, in the form of co-pays and premiums, to get the cure. This money will go directly to corporate fat-cats and make the black people have less money. Obviously, President Bush hates black people. And wants to eat babies."