UnNews:Bush detainee policy evaded law
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
6 August 2010
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba -- Four of the United States's biggest terrorism detainees were shuffled from place to place by the Bush administration, one step ahead of sappy, pro-terrorism rulings from Congress and the Supreme Court.
However, documents uncovered by this respected news outlet reveal that the movements were done with characteristic incompetence.
Before dawn on a cloudy day in 2003, a Boeing 737 landed at Gitmo, carrying the CIA's biggest captures to date: Abu Zubaydah, Abd al-Nashiri, Ramzi Binalshibh, and Eric Holder. To avoid suspicion, the plane was white and had no markings. Soon afterward, however, the men were spirited away--unfairly denying them the opulent meal plan and continuing Muslim training afforded to other detainees.
The jumbo jet touched down at all five other "top secret" foreign detention centers, making their locations obvious to anyone willing to read a flight plan, although no one in the mass media ever did so, as we were busy writing about every time Mr. Bush picked the wrong word or choked on a pretzel. The sheer ineptitude of the flight plan towers over Mr. Bush's other defining achievements, such as extending federal control over schools in hopes of freeing them to teach, and "privatizing Social Security," which further bankrupted the fund to pay for Warren Buffett's meds.
Had the terrorists remained at Guantanamo for three more months, they would have acquired Constitutional rights--and the vote in federal elections, under the "Count Every Vote" reforms of 2002. Jonathan Hafetz said, "This was all just a shell game to hide detainees from the courts." He is a university law professor and, incidentally, the lawyer for the terrorists.
CIA spokesman George Little said, "Unpleasant detention and evasion of the rule of law are a thing of the past." And all the other spies interviewed for this story spoke on condition of anonymity. Trashing Mr. Bush might seem irrelevant, as he has been hauling tumbleweed and shoveling manure for the last 18 months, and no one invites him to give speeches. But it's still the most fun we in the media have.