UnNews:Bush declares war on Yankees after pitcher flies plane into building
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Bush declares war on Yankees after pitcher flies plane into building
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 24, 2017, 18:02:UTC)(
11 October 2006
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NEW YORK, NY - US President George Bush declared war on the New York Yankees today, vowing to take revenge for pitcher Cory Lidle's shocking suicide attack on a city skyscraper. The baseball player commandeered a Cessna Citation X aircraft and plowed it into a high-rise apartment building on 72nd street in New York's East Side. NORAD scrambled fighter jets and deployed them around major stadiums around the country to keep an eye out for other rogue players. Airports are reviewing security procedures and officials at New Jersey's Teterboro are working to determine how Lidle was able to carry out his attack.
The shocking terrorist act killed one innocent person, and Bush has vowed to send "wave after wave of soldiers" into the Yankees Clubhouse to avenge his death. Meanwhile, the Pentagon is already drawing up plans to strike the heart of Lidle's evil network - Yankees Stadium itself. In an emergency session and a rare sign of bipartisanship, Congress threw its support behind the president and approved eleven trillion dollars for the war effort.
CIA officials say preliminary evidence suggests that Yankees leader Osama Joe Torre masterminded the attack. Experts say he found a safe haven in Yankees stadium under the rule of Mohammed bin Steinbrenner. Critics are already assailing the administration for not doing more to prevent the attack. Days before, after the Yankees lost a critical game to the Detroit Tigers, the CIA filed a security briefing entitled "Osama Joe Torre determined to strike inside the United States." Democrats say the Republican White House sat on the report and did nothing.
Standing on the debris-filled street below the damaged apartment building, President Bush declared that America will stay strong and rebuild. "We must remember the lessons of 10/11 and never let this happen again. That's why I have signed a presidential order to wiretap everyone's phones," the Commander in Chief declared. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has already flown to neighboring Shea Stadium to gain regional support in fighting the Yankees. "Cooperation from the Mets is going to be crucial in this conflict," she explained.
Expert analysists from respected news stations such as Fox News all agree that this war can raise the president's approval ratings, because God knows how much people never liked "Those damn Yankees." Through this war, human rights helpers from the United Nations can help the abused women in this club.