UnNews:Bush battles Obama's insurgent campaign
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Bush battles Obama's insurgent campaign
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 18:25:UTC)(
26 March 2007
News reports today from reputable sources have shown that Barack Obama is mounting an aggressive effort against Hilary Clinton to take the democratic nomination. Although the two have been in virtually the same position for the entire race it has now become newsworthy. The reason: A Washington Post headline that used the word "insurgent campaign" and a barely literate president.
"Now, I don't say that I approve of a country that is run by a woman. We do things differently here." Bush explained at the beginning of his press conference before continuing: "However, I think we have a duty to this Sheik Clinton and her silly backwards country: We must defend them from the vicious insurgent campaign of this Obama person. Even if they are crazy enough to let black folks and chicks run things."
Before reporters could ask any of a number of questions that were brought on, Bush continued his speech:
"I am sending ground forces into New York to shore up the government of Mrs. Clinton and hunt down insurgents. No doubt they will be received as liberators by the turban wearing savages."
Bush then presented military generals who have stayed in office by agreeing with his every word. They, curiously enough, agreed with everything he said, and indeed provided more information on the battle.
General Torquemada, head of inquisitions at Guantanamo Bay, provided intelligence regarding Obama's followers within the US: "After being tried in one of our super fair but slightly illegal courts and gently interrogated, Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed has admitted to working for Obama. He also says that Obama likely has many people operating in his campaign within the US. In response we have raised the terrorist threat level to magenta."
General Porktreeus, head of anti-terror operations in New York, had encouraging words about the battle on Obamaism: "Obama's forces are not nearly as strong as Clinton's. They are on the run and soon we will smoke them out and declare mission accomplished."
Before Cheney discovered that Bush had escaped from his babysitter and gotten into the papers again, the press conference broke up. When reporters notified Hilary Clinton that she had ostensibly obtained George Bush's support in the democratic primary she was heard to say "My career is over! HURHK... GARGH..." Interestingly enough this is the same sound that a woman would make if she hung herself.