UnNews:Bush admits to being dyslexic
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16 November 2008
WASHINGTON, D. C. -- One of the most unpopular presidents in the history of the nation, George W. Bush, who has long been suspected of having the intelligence quotient of a turnip, recently revealed that he suffers from dyslexia, a learning disability that is marked by a profound illiteracy. There are several “subtypes,” experts say, such as “surface dyslexia” “phonological dyslexia,” and “double deficit dyslexia.” President Bush suffers from all of them and perhaps a few more.
“This explains a lot!” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi remarked when she learned of the president’s disability.
“Unfortunately, the Americans with Disabilities Act prohibits us from impeaching him,” Senator Harry Reid commented on Bush’s announcement. “We’re stuck with him until Obama’s coronation in January.”
Many of Bush’s decisions and policies during the past eight years, as well as the nation’s economic woes, are blamed on his learning disability. “It’s his dyslexia that caused the Iraqi War,” Senator Ted Kennedy, who suffers from brain cancer and alcoholism, opined, between hiccups.
Bush admitted that, in reading legislation that Congress sent to him for his approval, he “sometimes mixed up a few phrases, clauses, and other curlicues” and had trouble distinguishing between nouns, verbs, and "infinite phases."
“That’s why he thought there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,” First Lady Laura Bush confided in a rare expression of honesty during an interview with Larry King. “He didn’t notice the word ‘no’ in the sentence, ‘There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.’ Instead, he read the sentence as ‘There are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,’ and took actions which might have been appropriate had the CIA report actually read as he read it.”
His dyslexia also explains why he is unable to locate Great Britain, England, and the United Kingdom on a map. “They all look like bunny rabbits to me,” the president said.
Dyslexia is believed to be inherited as a result of chromosomal damage that the zygote suffers during the moment of conception, a consequence of untreated syphilis in one or both of the offspring’s parents. “Although both George and Barbara Bush are plenty weird, if I had to put money on one of them as the syphilitic parent, I’d place my bet on the president’s father. Untreated syphilis in the senior George Bush’s case could explain a lot about his administration and its policies,” a world-renown specialist in dyslexia stated.
The same expert said he “should have discerned dyslexia in President Bush years ago. He has all the symptoms: auditory processing disorder, cluttering, dyspraxia, verbal dyspraxia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, and scoptic sensitivity syndrome. In general, he’s a royal pain in the ass and obviously illiterate.”
“Sometimes, I hear voices,” Bush admitted, “who say they are God. They tell me where to go and what to do when I get there. Right now, they have their eyes on Iran, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Barack Obama, and the cutest little teddy bear I’ve ever seen.”
Congressional leaders, in a rare display of bisexual partisanship, have agreed to cut off Bush’s Viagra supply, “lest he and the First Lady produce more idiots besides Barbara and Jenna,” who, it appears, “may also have dyslexia.” The First Lady admitted that Jenna was named as a result of the president’s inability to say or write the name “Jenny,” although other sources maintain that Jenna’s name is a result of the president’s Texas drawl.
Congressional leaders on both sides of the aisle also agreed to stop sending legislation to the lame-duck president. “God only knows what he thinks he’s vetoed or approved in the past and what he may think he’s signing or not signing in the future if we were to continue to send him bills,” Pelosi said.
“Amen to that,” Reid said.
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