UnNews:Bush administration: Earth only Planet that Really Matters
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
24 August 2006
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Washington, DC - President Bush declared Thursday that Earth is the only planet that really matters, and in a return to a more pre-Copernican mode of thinking the Solar System will be downsized from nine planets to just one, Earth.
After a tumultuous week of clashing over the duties and responsibilities of the planets within the Solar System, the Office of Science and Technology Policy, acting under orders from the President, has decided the other planets were really not needed, since most of the financial and material burden of maintaining the Solar System rests on Earth, alone.
Although many astronomers were angered by the announcement, John H. Hamburger, III — the spineless OSTP director who bent like a pansy to Bush's indominable will — urged those who might be "quite disappointed" to look on the bright side.
"Hell, bring all those planetary probes home" he said, "They're just a waste of time and money now. Work on landing people on the Moon, or something."
For now, membership in the Solar System will be restricted to the one "classical" planet in the solar system, Earth, while former planets will be considered "regions affecting the economic and planetary security" of Earth. These regions may be invaded by Earth forces on any flimsy pretext, and a democratic government will be established, by force, if necessary.
Former outer planets that are unlikely to have oil reserves will simply be relegated to a new class of space objects known as "stuff we can't see or benefit from, so who cares?"
Administration officials did leave open the possibility that other celestial bodies, such as "regions" orbiting other star systems, might be considered "planets" if they're discovered to be inhabited and the aliens have nuclear weapons capability.