UnNews:Bush Growing Army Of Orcs
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Bush Growing Army Of Orcs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 29, 2015, 17:24:UTC)(
14 March 2009
CRAWFORD, Texas --In what is being called an attempt to seize control over America, former President George W. Bush is believed to be raising an army of undefeatable Orcs at his ranch in Texas. The origin of the Orcs is disputed, but the most common theory is that they are being spawned from oil, dirt, and Wiccan rituals.
Counter-intelligence operations photos of the Crawford ranch reveal what appear to be oil wells near Rainey Creek, a creek that flows through the ranch, a large factory believed to be where crude weapons like swords and such are being made, and several large dirt pits.
Counter-intelligence has also stepped up following the appearance of a large surveillance camera "eye" between two large antenna of Halliburton Tower. The company has published a statement denying any connection with Bush, who sold the last of his stock to Dick Cheney in 2007.
The Army is calling on all able-bodied people, politicians, and Obama supporters to enlist in the Army in the wake of the Bush invasion, which could possibly lead to a battle that could decide the very fate of America. Already, undocumented workers are busy enclosing Washington, D.C. in a wall. Many residents in the area have fled to within the walls.
"This is no regular army.", said General John J. Johnson. "Nothing can touch them. Love, hope, change- nothing. Not even a surge of Democrats can stop them. The Orcs are multiplying faster than the speed of light, so there is no point. Waste of time." Slightly more optimistic General David Petraeus has already begun command of the People's Anti-Bush Army, placing politicians into battle first, followed by Democrats, and last, the common person. "By placing the politicians first, who have had absolutely no battle training, we can destroy the Orcs as well as bring real change to Washington."
Gen. Petraeus has sworn to defend America with his life, leading his brigade of elite soldiers, called the 'Riders of Pennsylvania Avenue'. The Riders have been defending the White House by riding up and down Pennsylvania Avenue and the White House grounds, the main area where the Orcs are expected to clash.
Details from Washington insiders report that Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was given the task of protecting President Barack Obama earlier this week. This morning, he showed up for work, clad in a white robe and sporting a new long white beard on Arlington Memorial Bridge. He was also holding a long, wooden staff, bellowing, "You shall not pass!". He then banged his stick against the bridge, and it collapsed into the Potomac. At the moment President Barack Obama is believed to be battling the balrog and is expected to be doing so for the next few days. Except for Emanuel and several Fox News crews who were all killed, no one was seriously hurt.
Meanwhile, many Phoenix residents have reportedly seen former Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain not in the Senate Chamber, but crawling in the streets. He has been searching for his lost presidency, whispering, "My preciousssss...", and "Stupid, fat, Democratses!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|