UnNews:Bush Erects 700 Mile Fence To Keep Americans From Leaving
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Bush Erects 700 Mile Fence To Keep Americans From Leaving
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 17:47:UTC)(
30 March 2008
Washington, DC--President Bush has just signed into law a bill that authorizes an initial 1.2 billion dollar downpayment on a plan to build 700 miles of fencing along the southern US border to keep our citizens from fleeing to Mexico.
The new law, known as the Secure Fence Act, provides for the construction of a highly-fortified, double-layered barrier which is to be patrolled night and day by border agents, attack dogs, and laser-firing robots programmed to immediately vaporize any American trying to leave the country.
"With this unjustified war raging on for years, five-dollar-a-gallon gas, and the whole East Coast vs. West Coast rap rivalry heating up again, it just seemed like a good time to get the hell out," said used car salesman Marv Berman.
Berman, along with his entire family, were recently detained for questioning when they attempted to hop the fence at the Firecrotch, New Mexico border crossing point. Berman was found to be carrying nearly ten thousand dollars in American currency in one pocket, and a Franklin "English to Spanish" electronic language translator in the other.
In addition, Mexican authorities have noticed an alarming influx of "gringos" on the streets of Mexico City in recent months, who are reportedly wreaking havoc on the local economy. "They are sending home prices through the roof here and demanding Starbuck's coffee houses on every corner," says respected businessman Hector Gonzales.
"We used to enjoy leisurely siestas each afternoon, but now we are all too buzzed on that high-octance Starbucks java to even sleep a wink!"
President Bush has also authorized a series of television commercials urging Americans to resist the temptation to denounce their American citizenship and emigrate to Mexico.
"Sure, this country faces a set of perplexing probablems with no ready solution in sight, and the quality of life in America is falling faster than our housing prices," admits President Bush. "But if you are rich, white, and well-connected, this is still a great place to live!"