UnNews:Bush: "Hang 'em high!"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
15 January 2007
WASHINGTON, D. C. - In a comment reminiscent of his “wanted dead or alive” comment toward the outset of the interminable War Against War, President George Bush, upon learning of the latest round of executions in Iraq, said, “Hang ‘em high!”
The First Lady cautioned him as to how this comment might “sound” to the American people or, for that matter, to the Congress. “That little bitch Nancy Pelosi,” Laura Bush reminded the president, “is just looking for an excuse to cut off funding for the War Against War, and John Wayne comments like that could be all the excuse she needs.”
“You thought I sounded like the Duke?” the president said, sounding disappointed. "I was trying to emulate Clint Eastwood.”
Since Saddam Hussein was hung out to dry a few days ago, his half-brother Barzan Ibrahim and the gay lover, Awad Hamed al-Bandar, whom they shared, was hung, the former for being Saddam’s half brother and the latter for sodomy.
To show how merciful hanging is to the brutal decapitation that Iraqi terrorists seem to prefer for their victims, the head of Ibrahim was severed from his body during his execution. However, by mutual agreement, those who witnessed the hangings refrained from insulting the cadavers-to-be as they stood upon the gallows, awaiting the springing of the trapdoor and the 70 virgins whom Allah had promised them for being (in Inrahim’s case) a half-brother and (in Bandar’s case) a sodomite.
Appropriately, the condemned men both wore what White House Press Secretary Tony Snow described as “jumpsuits.”
As they stepped onto the gallows platform, they were clothed in black hoods and surrounded by masked men, one of whom was dressed, at President Bush’s directive, as the Lone Ranger. After the execution, one of the witnesses asked, “Who was that masked man?” A silver bullet bearing the inscribed monogram “GWB,” was later found at the execution site.
“The bullet wasn’t mine,” President Bush told the First Lady, who appeared skeptical.
Prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussai denied having a hand in the executions, blaming the deaths of Saddam’s aides and lover on Fadel al-Barrak “or maybe it was Barak Obama.”
The government was severely condemned for the hanging of Saddam, and Moussai wanted to distance himself from the executions of these two men, Snow admitted during questioning in the Rose Garden. “There are a lot of Sunnis who’d like to get their hands--or a rope--around the necks of the executioners,” he said.
A DVD of the execution is scheduled to be released as part of the popular, but pornographic, Faces of Death series that chronicles brutal and savage deaths of all kinds. The documentary should be available in late March, 2007.
According to Snow, 300,000 more executions by hanging are scheduled for the coming year. “The Faces of Death series is a hot franchise,” he commented.
After the hangings, the executioners served fruit punch and sugar cookies to the crowd of approximately 28,000 spectators. Pizza has been ordered for the next hanging, scheduled for next Friday.
“Hang ‘em high!” President Bush cried, making an unannounced visit to a White House balcony overlooking the press conference.
Snow shook his head, chuckling, before announcing, “There’s leftover fruit punch and cookies for anyone who wasn’t able to attend the festivities in Baghdad,” referring to the hangings of Saddam’s half-brother and lover.