UnNews:Buses start swearing
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Buses start swearing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, November 28, 2015, 11:29:UTC)(
18 November 2006
WORLD - Buses have been protesting against what they perceive as slavery, by swearing constantly for over a week now. Their course of action influenced by the example set by African Americans in the 1860s. These thousands of honest, hard-working, foul-mouthed vehicles have decided that they want to be paid for their service or escape to "the freedom country", i.e. Canada(a place where buses can run free through specially flattened mountains and express their own bus love for each other without the fear of hate attacks from right-wing taxis).
Mr. Mpopo Jambo, who is owned by Arriva, told UnNews, "The reason why we're swearing is because people don't like swearing and therefore they won't want to travel on us. This will cause the bus operators to go out of business and we'll be free to emigrate to the speed-bumpless haven of Cannnaadaaa. Automobile slavery is illegal there." When reminded that there are lots of buses in Canada, Mr. Jambo pointed out, "Yes, I know there are lots of buses in Canada, but they all get paid and stroked. In this and every other damn bus-hating country, buses are enslaved like giant double-deckered hamsters. "
Historian Neil Oliver had this to say: "The slavery of buses all began in Ujiji, Tanzania, where buses were kidnapped and milked like cows; forced to walk continuously for weeks with very little food(and other substances unsuitable for consumption by a bus). They were then put onto slave ships where they suffered from dysentry, dirty windows and a weird kind of sick smell. After three months they reached America(a thing on a map).
"They would then be led off the ship and be put into a cage, where they could be viewed and bought by rich landowners and public-transport perverts.
Today, some buses have already escaped their harsh owners by leaving the depot disguised in big duffle-coats. Many go and try to seek asylum in the sexually diverse nation of exhaust obsessed Cananda. The Transport Minster of Canada(who probably has a name) commented, "Buses now outnumber dogs by 4 to 1. If this influx of buses continues we could find ourselves in the position of having more buses than we have scones."
The UK has also seen a large influx of foreign buses seeking asylum. Far-right group the BNP commented, "We don't want none of them foreign buses over 'ere in our country stealing our jobs and driving on our women. "
In London (a city near Stoke), the House of Commons has been discussing a new white paper( which after much discussion shall remain white) about the possible emancipation of all buses. If this law is passed, it is widely believed that trains, trams, taxis and cars may seek emancipation as well(the dirty little buggers). Fears of mass emancipation in the UK has led to an epidemic of dictionary use.