UnNews:Burma wants guns to combat Cyclone
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Burma wants guns to combat Cyclone
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 1, 2016, 20:48:UTC)(
7 May 2008
MYANMAR, Burma - The military country Burma has undergone a vicious attack from the dreaded natural disaster known as Cyclone Nargis. At least 20,000 Burmese people have either died or taken a crash course in flying without a parachute, as the Cylcone swept slowly into the Asian mainland. Military properties and world-renowned torture chambers were destroyed as a result of the cyclone. Now, three or four days into the attack, Senior General Than Shwe has addressed the European Union regarding Burma's situation. He stated that the Burmese forces were currently unable to defeat the cyclone, and that they are in urgent need of assistance.
The General stated that although his forces were engaging the cyclone at the moment, they had so far been unsuccessful in locating its weak point. At first, the Burmese government had presumed that the cyclone would follow the classic role of a natural disaster; it would attack a couple thousand people before revealing a potential weak point (like in a board game). This, however, has not been the case. The Burmese military even tried firing missiles at the cyclone, only to have them thrown back at them. The missiles were also reputed to have hit several villages, which coincidentally were not supporting the government rule in Burma.
The EU sympathised with the General, and agreed to send aid. The General, however, rejected any offer of food and water aid. When queried about the type of aid requested, the general replied:
|“||We Burmese are peaceful citizens, but this is a crisis of the upmost importance. Our very existence is in danger. Unless we directly oppose this force, we will only be able to sit back and watch as we are completely destroyed by its power. Therefore, we request that the EU supply the Burmese military with weapons, so that the cyclone can be fought away from our homeland. We urgently plead that they give us the power to fight, to make a stand, so that we can all live in peace.||”|
This request has not been without its criticism. Recently Burma has been the centre of attention in the past month due to their government's tendency to kill any protesters who stand in their way of ruling the country by force (and this sounds mighty familiar). As such, many see this plea as merely a ploy by the Burmese government to allow them to stockpile enough weapons to support their own army against any more protests. Many even speculate that Burma is preparing for war against the rest of the world; that this plea for weapons will be similar to offering a pyromaniac a flamethrower in a waxworks exhibit.
When asked his opinion with these accusations, Than Shwe stated:
|“||Of course, there will always be those who want to make us seem like monsters. And to them, I ask: Would you want your own country to be destroyed like this? Would you stand by idle as your own home was wiped from the face of the earth? I assure you that I will not. Sure, I may decide to keep a...small majority of the weapons, but only in the same way that you keep nuclear weapons aimed at your close neighbours.||”|
|“||Guns are not an emergency priority. Water-skiing and sky-diving are.||”|
Despite this short statement, the EU council agreed to supply Burma with OVER 9000 AK-47 rifles, as well as the standard aid package of food and water. They hope that this will be able to satisfy Burma's request, and repel the cyclone menace from Burmese soil.
Over a hundred Red Cross helicopters have been deployed to aid Burma, and are now making their way across the Asian mainland, carrying the weapons and aid to those in need. It is only hoped that the Burmese government put the weapons to good use.