UnNews:Britney divorce filing gives Republicans last-minute boost on election day
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8 November 2006
WASHINGTON, DC -- Britney Spears filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline on Tuesday, in what analysts say is a last-minute "November surprise" that boosted Republican turnout on Election Day. The pop star has been married to the talentless rapper since 2004. Immediately after news of the divorce filing broke, observers reported an increase in lines at the polls. Judging by the voters that showed up - "white, fat, affluent males" - pundits speculate that most were Republicans.
Anonymous sources say this election-day divorce filing was part of Karl Rove's carefully planned strategy for this midterm contest. The brilliant plan works on two fronts - by both increasing Republican turnout and decreasing that of Democrats. Republicans, who are strong on family values, will rush to help keep their party in power and hope for an eventual ban on divorce. "I think people who decide to get married should stay together no matter what," said one conservative voter, quickly adding "unless they are gay!"
As for Democratic voters, Rove predicted that the "media-loving Hollywood liberals" will want to follow every second of the developing divorce story, thus staying glued to "E!" on their TVs instead of going out to vote. President Bush personally approved of the plan, although he was concerned about some irregularities at the polling place he went to in his hometown of Crawford. "I didn't see my name on the ballot," he explained confused, but immediately added, "fortunately I didn't see that flip-flopper Kerry's name on there either."
Britney Spears herself agreed to file for divorce without much thought. Chewing bubble gum, the aging pop star told reporters "I trust our government to make all the decisions for us, so if this is what Dear Leader George Bush wants me to do, I'll do it." This will be Spears' second divorce, following a 55 hour drunken marriage to friend Jason Alexander in January of 2004. The marriage was annulled after Rove decided to save the divorce tactic for an emergency situation; having rigged the Democratic primaries to elect Dennis Kuninich, he did not anticipate a struggle to win the 2004 election. In a surprisingly lucid and candid interview, Britney commented, "Oops!... I did it again!", referring to ending a second marriage. Hopefully, she added, someone could "Hit my baby one more time."
Federline declined to comment on Spears' allegations of child abuse, but was completely shocked by the divorce papers. His aides say that Karl Rove did send him a letter ahead of time informing him of the plan, but Federline was unable to read it due to his illiteracy. The aspiring rapper's first album had just debuted, and it was revealed that 100% of the copies sold were purchased by Britney herself. "Who will buy my music now?!" lamented the ex-dancer. Witnesses say that soon after the news sunk in, K-Fed was seen wandering the streets in a state of shock yelling "Popozao! Popozao!"
Asked what his contingency plans were in case the divorce news didn't pan out as expected, Karl Rove laughed and replied, "We're still implementing all our traditional methods of voter intimidation and election fraud. Also, the new electronic voting machines give us an added edge this year. My buddy, the CEO of manufacturer Diebold, gave me a handy remote control though which I can modify vote totals right from the privacy of my own home!"