UnNews:Britney bald after "miracle cure"
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
18 February 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA - A day after her hasty departure from the Abu Ghraib Rehabilitation Center in Abu Ghraib, Iraq, singing sensation Britney Spears surprised her devoted followers by appearing bald in public with gal pal Paris Hilton as Spears entered a tattoo parlor to have her breasts inked with pictures of sharks’ mouths, open to reveal dagger-like teeth.
“What does it mean, Brit?” Hilton wondered, eying the singing sensation’s bosom.
“They’re pictures of my agent and my ex,” she replied, cupping first her left breast and then her right.
Hilton shook her head, looking bewildered. “I don’t get it,” she confessed.
Spears has been acting stranger and stranger since the breakup with her ex-husband, Jason Allen Alexander, and, now that she’s initiated divorce proceedings against him, the singing sensation’s behavior has become even more bizarre.
Her family and so-called friends pleaded with her to sign herself into a rehab center after she‘d collapsed from “exhaustion“ caused by drinking a fifth of bourbon and six beers, which she did, only to leave within 24 hours of her admission, claiming she was in a prison and was being denied access to her favorite wardrobe--high heels, mini-skirt or short shorts, and a tight-fitting tank top with spaghetti straps--in favor of a loose-fitting burqa, which she referred to as a “gunnysack.”
Even before this strange behavior, Spears had been acting oddly, driving on interstate highways at speeds in excess of 100 miles per hour with her infant son on her lap, appearing in public without a bra or panties and exposing herself to paparazzi cameras, and vomiting on her dates after drinking herself into a near-comatose state night after night.
Spears left the tattoo parlor in tears, complaining that she had cramps and foaming at the mouth, her saliva pink rather than clear or white. A doctor, witnessing the scene, offered his assistance, but Spears said, “I don’t like frogs,” and hastened past him.
“I didn’t like the look of that pink on her lips,” the doctor said. “It looked like blood. She could have been hemorrhaging internally. Besides, it didn’t really go well with her complexion.”
As she climbed into the back of her waiting limousine, Spears vomited on gal pal Hilton. “That’s the second time you’ve done that this morning!” Hilton was overheard to say. “What happened to the miracle cure you told me you experienced at Abu Ghraib?”
“Why can’t the damned chauffeur ever find my dashboard Jesus?” Spears replied.
Later, Hilton called UnNews’ reporter, Lotta Lies, with the following tip:
- Readers, if you have come into contact with Britney Spears lately and you happen to use recreational drugs, check your stash! Someone, somewhere, may be missing his or her LSD. Britney is known to enjoy “tripping,” and she used to refer to LSD as her “miracle cure.”