UnNews:Britney Spears: Everything's a lie
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Britney Spears: Everything's a lie
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 00:43:UTC)(
26 October 2006
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LALALAND, USA - After revealing that her second baby's name is not Sutton Pearce, Britney Spears, recently voted by CNN as the Greatest Singer of All Time, decided to come clean on every little thing that has been lied about concerning her life and career. And her revelations may be very shocking to some of you. She revealed all this stuff at 1:30 in the afternoon after a quick nap on Tuesday. Her husband, wannabe rapper Kevin Federline, recently voted by CNN as the Most Pathetic Excuse for a Rapper of All Time, was not present; he was out clubbing with a girl he had met the night before. Be warned, some of these details will absolutely shock you; no really, they will.
First of all, the baby's name is Jayden James and it is a boy. He actually has three heads and six eyes on each head, which is why the baby has never been seen in public. This may have been the result of Kevin's constant drinking and drugging, and possibly his constant rapping of his un-hit single, "Poo-poo-zoo." Doctors are still baffled by this phenomena. Said Sigmund Freud, "I think I'm going insane!" Britney managed to keep this a secret for one month before she couldn't take it anymore. "But wait," Spears said, "there's more."
Britney's mother is not named Lynne, but is named Dorothy, who is at least 100 years old. Spears' father is playwright/zombie Oscar Wilde, not James "Jamie" Foxx. Her sister's name is not Jamie Lynn, but rather Sylvia Browne. And her brother, Bryan, is just an actor named Tony Danza. Britney has managed to cover this up for years and years and years. Nobody is exactly sure why, but it is believed it was to protect her image. "I couldn't hide it any longer," Spears said. "Man my armpit itches."
Spears confirmed that she does, in fact, sing every note on her records without the help of computers and Mr. Roboto. Her breasts are natural. "Yes, they're real," says a professional plastic surgeon, "No question about it. I'm, uhh, not really a surgeon." Then he ran like the wind before being nabbed by the police.
Then she went on to reveal that Federline is a 42-year-old woman named Barbara. But before you call Brit a lesbian, she's got some more shocking news. "I just have to get this out." Then she paused for fifteen minutes before this shocking revelation.
"I'm a man named Harold Schmutz," said Spears. "I'm 80 years old, and my balls itch like hell." Then s/he farted loudly like all men do. "Now I can finally do guy stuff. I can pee standing up, I can play the electric guitar, I can go to frat parties, I can finally go to the theater and see Snakes on a Plane before it comes out on DVD! Yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"
That was all Harold "Britney Spears" Schmutz had to say and everybody started celebrating. The Lalaland mayor has declared Thursday Harold Schmutz Day and has ordered all businesses to close. Britney Spears is a man, baby!
- I.P. Freely "Never heard of Harold Schmutz? You should have by now". Reuters, October 24, 2006