UnNews:British dinosaurs not extinct!

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British dinosaurs not extinct!

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23 March 2017


A surviving British dinosaur.

LONDON, Unfossilized Kingdom --

For many years, dinosaurs were thought to have died out millions of years ago, bequeathing only birds and problems for creationism to the eventual rise of humanity. For well over a century, the origin of these mighty animals was considered to be somewhere close to the equator. After all, lizards and reptiles like it hot, don't they? They wouldn't be so stupid as to wander off into the frozen tundra and evolve into hairy mammoths or yeti. What would they do with those ridiculous necks?

Well, Professor Matthew Baron has certainly shaken up the slumbering discipline of paleontology by proposing that not only did those fearsome predators like Tyrannosaurus have ornithischian hips (don't ask, it's really gross), their ancestors (who may have been even grosser) originated in the British Isles. They subsequently colonized the known world except for the island of Madagascar. This was left as a nature reserve to prevent the extinction of the many species of lobe-finned fishes that were critically endangered at the time. It didn't work.

Perhaps most amazingly, the only place on earth that dinosaurs didn't disappear was the British Isles, where they had originally accepted their place in the grand plan of life. They didn't know that they were supposed to die out and give way to less shouty and devouring animals when they signed up, but such are the best laid plans, etc. Some dinosaurs eked out a living in the back blocks of Wales, keeping out of sight of the successive waves of therapsids, felids and homonids that turned up. Finally, they got fed up with crouching behind bushes and eating the moldering prey that other animals had left behind. By this time, they had evolved sufficiently to pass for humans as long as they were properly dressed.

Arthur, the brightest homosaur of the lot, decided that it was time to reclaim their destiny as top predators and embarked with his band of merry jousters upon a conquest of the whole country. Not only did he achieve his noble aim, but other homosaurs took the idea to other countries and made dinosaurs great again. Before humanity knew it, the rulers of the earth were again dinosaurs. of course they didn't look like the dinosaurs that humans had imagined, so they weren't recognized as such. You think I'm making this up? Why do they always intermarry, huh?

But back to the present. Not only did dinosaurs evolve in England, making it the natural leader of other countries, they also still run the place. And they have not taken kindly to other rulers of other countries telling them how to run their country. If there is one thing that dinosaurs hold dear, it is the principle that if you try to move in on another dinosaur's fiefdom, there is going to be a rumble. None of this world government stuff. That's just Empire 2.0.

Yet the rulers are aware that humans, thinking that they are the rightful owners of the turf, will want to reimpose some hopelessly archaic form of government if they discover that the dinosaurs are the ones flying to international summits and slurping up the champagne. So far the pomp and ceremony and the threat of having no royalty to envy has kept them in check. It is imperative to get rid of this Professor Baron and keep his hypothesis under wraps before it causes trouble. Good night and good luck.

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