Britain learns to play Chequers

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20 Sep 2018

Theresa May at podium

British Prime Minister Theresa May goes for the big reveal in her Chequers Plan summary.

ST. KILDA, Great Britain -- UK Prime Minister Theresa May has submitted what is called the Chequers Plan to the European Union as its Brexit plan. This was well in advance of the deadline, by about 20 minutes. After working on it for the better part of a Wednesday afternoon, the manifesto was hammered out with a group of politicians who were suitably hammered. French president Emmanuel Macron ROFLd upon reading it and apparently pulled several muscles in the process. German Chancellor Angela Merkel initially passed on the message to Interpol, thinking it to be an extortion threat.

'We worked really, really hard on this. The original full draft was eaten by someone's pet dog, so a quick replacement was needed. We made the typeface really big and double-spaced everything so the proposal would look more impressive. Sorry about the champagne stains on some of the pages.' said May.

'We must consider and appease the group known as 'Hard' Brexiteers. I’ve seen them behind closed doors and can assure everyone they are good and truly hard. Promising them the Czech Sudetenland back in the day certainly worked but that lot is now part of the nasty EU, and our hands are tied. At least mine were, along with a having to wear a Minnie Mouse mask and a ball gag.'

Points of the Chequers Plan include:

  • Britain to leave the EU by 1 April 2019.
  • Cat Bin Lady Mary Bale will be allowed to dump a limited number of cats in bins per year.
  • Minorities will be enslaved and all Poles will be executed as a precautionary measure in order to make the Hard Brexiteers happy.
  • Britain gets all the fish in the ocean.
  • Britain will get back all its former colonies including the stubborn one south of Canada. Donald Trump will be allowed to keep 10 states and will have the option of joining the Russian Federation.
  • Europe will agree to quietly sink into the ocean and disappear within 5 years but not until all its wealth is sent to the UK as a sympathy payment to compensate the UK for its years of torture and misery.
  • Boris Johnson will be allowed to emigrate to the EU but will be required to swim for it.

May continued, 'The current deal is so good, the EU should not only jump at the opportunity but should show us all the love we've deserved for centuries.'

Observers wonder why Great Britain refuses to propose a situation as is held by Norway, who is not part of the complete EU structure. It appears, though, that UK neonazis are unwilling to merge with their Norwegian counterparts, a requirement if that alternative were to be adopted. Britain also worries that they will be called Little Englanders by the rest of the world. 'Warwick Davis is dead. Why would they want to keep reminding us of that fact?' said a man only know as Jeremy Corbyn.