UnNews:Britain advises citizens to leave Somalia
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Britain advises citizens to leave Somalia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 04:18:UTC)(
28 January 2013
The announcement came as a shock to many. "I can't understand why England would be issuing a warning now," said American tourist Dale Krautenmacher, "I'm smart enough to know not to enter Somalia. Somalia has been in a civil war, for, what, over 20 years now, and it has pirates. I'm an American, and even I know that. And by American, I don't seen I'm sort kind of east coast wine-sipping fancy Democrat, I mean a southern, culturally-illiterate, full-on hillbilly American. Why, I'm so American, I own a dozen semi-automatic rifles, but can only fire three of them because my fingers are too fat to fit in the trigger holes of the others."
Others were equally disappointed. "I feel this announcement is entirely unnecessarily," said Sir Rupert Cadbury, 8th baronet of Torishire, "Any dullard should know that Somalia is a an unsafe location. If people aren't smart enough to know that already, they desire to die. Someone foolish enough to be in Somalia is probably going to a drain of the welfare state anyway. The government should let natural selection take its course, rather than coddling the parasitic classes. In fact, I am almost surprised that there are still Europeans in Somalia. This is the sort of moron-coddling is what I would expect from a Labour government, not from the Conservatives."
Another man was befuddled and confused. "So, if there are travel warnings against Somalia, this must be 1991, correct?" asked a gentleman who only identified himself as "the Doctor". "The timeline must have been altered, this can't be right," he muttered to himself, "Tell me, who is the Prime Minister?" Upon being informed that David Cameron was Prime Minister, he continued to muttering about a "timeline" and how "everything else seems to be in order."
- Ian Black "Britons warned to leave Somaliland after 'specific threat'". The Guardian, January 27, 2013
- Drazen Jorgic "Somaliland dismisses Britain's security threat warning". Reuters, January 28, 2013