UnNews:Britain's last Turkey Twizzler factory to close
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14 September 2006
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POX-BE-UPON-THEE, England -- There was a mixture of shock and outrage yesterday as it was announced that Britain's last remaining Turkey Twizzler factory was to close. According to the owners, the Scunthorpe plant had been losing money for the last year, with Twizzler sales plummeting sharply in the wake of celebrity chef Jamie Oliver's healthy school dinners campaign. Four hundred workers are to be laid off, with the remaining production moved to Holland and the Czech Republic.
Union chiefs were angry with the bosses for the surprise announcement, but laid the blame squarely on Jamie Oliver. According to Union leader Rob Jackdaw, "It's his fault that a Great British delicacy will now be made in Clogland and bloody who-knows-where."
Workers at the factory were distraught, venting their fury at what they rightly perceive at Oliver's meddling. Many stated that they would continue eating Twizzlers, no matter what. "I'll keep eating Twizzlers until the day I die," stated Margaret Gallin, a long-time worker at the plant, known locally as "Fat Maggie". In between coughs, she continued: "Twizzlers are part of our nation's heritage, as important as fish and chips, curry, Cheese Strings, Fruit Winders and American-style pizza slices. I've worked at the Twizzler factory ever since it opened in 1998, and I can honestly say that cleaning the turkey entrails sluice gate is the best job I've ever had. I will continue feeding my children Twizzlers, and I urge every responsible parent to do the same."
Other workers were equally adamant, stating that salad-loving Jamie should stick to poncey herbs and spices and leave traditional British grub alone. An impromtu demonstration was organised, with an effigy of Oliver being burned along with his cookery books. Banners included "Pan-fry this, cunt!" and "Death to moped-owning arseholes!". The demonstration later turned violent, with protestors smashing a shop selling lemon-zesters and cardamon-shredders, before turning their attention to a local branch of Jamie-endorsed Sainsbury. Police dispersed the demonstration, although many officers were sympathetic to the workers' plight. Police chiefs stated that although citizens had no right to smash shops, it was all Jamie Oliver's fault for not keeping his big mouth shut, or at least filled with pasta. There were no arrests.
Jamie's smarmy PR people released a statement acknowledging that whilst his actions may have contributed to the sacking of so many hardworking people, there were plenty of opportunties available at his restaurants. Cleaning the toilets and hosing the shit off the organic potatoes, probably. When questioned further, onion-mad Jamie's only response was, "Who is this? How did you get this number? It's four in the bloody morning, for Christ's sake. Hello?"
Scunthorpe's mayor was upbeat, saying that although the town had lost an important employer, "we still have the crisp factory, the cola bottling plant and that place which makes school desks with built-in vending machines." He also added that "if Jamie Oliver ever, and I mean ever, shows his face around here, we'll give him a traditional Scunthorpe welcome." This was later clarified to mean tying Mr Oliver to an armchair and beating him to death with iron bars. "But we might feed him some Twizzlers first", quiped the mayor.