UnNews:Brit "Singing sensation" Leona Lewis breaks down after being told her songs are "bland, middle of the road crap" by poor African woman

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11 March 2008


Lional Lewis, bleeding love this morning

M'GOMBO, Africa -- Pictured right is the moment when lumbering singer Leona Lewis broke down in tears after hearing the shocking opinions that a South African grandmother has of her "acclaimed" musical output. The 22-year-old oaf was told in no uncertain terms that, whilst her singing talent was in no doubt, her current material was "overly formulaic, instantly forgettable and downright boring."

Lewis had been visiting Africa in the usual attempt to make us all feel bad and somehow responsible for the misfortune of poor Africans. The singer broke down after speaking with a grandmother who told the star that her family were sent "into a catatonic stupor" by her last single "My Heart is Thinking of Bloody Love".

She said it was utterly "heartbreaking" to see an old woman issue such a damning critique of her music. The 78 year old added that Lewis's "bloody incessantly innane warblings has almost driven us to throw our windup radio away. Sometimes the family go for days without listening to the local pop music station in case one of that bloody lumbering womans songs come on!"

Leona was said to be near-unconsolable as she returned by private jet to her luxury Hampshire estate, and neighbours Ozzy Osbourne, Elton John and Madonna are said to be comforting the young star with a weekend of champagne parties planned.

Leona will next week visit some landmine victims in Afghanistan who are thought to think her music "worse than Westlife!"

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