UnNews:Bring back the "firing squad" in schools, say one in five UK teachers
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
3 October 2008
ONE IN FIVE TEACHERS would like to see capital punishments brought back in schools to help discipline unruly children, a survey has revealed. Top on the list of desired punishments is the reintroduction of firing squads for disruptive children. Some teachers even expressed a desire to introduce a gallows into every playground. The last child to be executed by firing squad was in 1983. Jimmy Danton, 13, was executed after he was caught looking up his teacher's skirt.
The teachers would back the return of summary executions because they have had enough of deteriorating pupil behaviour. The Unnews survey of round 7 teachers found that overall, 20.3 per cent backed "the right to use firing squads in extreme cases". Most would prefer the classic firing squad method where unruly kids are tied to poles and machine gunned whilst a sizeable minority called for teachers to be armed and empowered to perform summary "classroom executions" on pupils who "backchat or cause general disruption to the learnining environment."
Supply teacher Ms Pushover told Unnews that she "would love to put a bullet into the brain of every little snot that has thrown rubbers at me when my back was turned. I'd kill the whole f*cking lot of them!", she sobbed.
Primary teacher Mr Shute-Furst said: "There is justification, or an argument, for bringing back firing squads, if only as a deterrent. I believe some children might think twice before blocking the toilets with their socks if they thought they could end their school day looking down the business end of an high caliber rifle as a result."
Capital punishment was banned in state schools in 1986 after 12 year old Janice Krankshaft was found to have been wrongly sent to the firing squad for farting during school assembly. It turned out that it was the deputy head, Ms Fartheringtonsmythe, who had "dealt it" after consuming a lunch of baked beans and sprouts.