UnNews:Breaking news now completely broken
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Breaking news now completely broken
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 29, 2017, 01:26:UTC)(
30 September 2008
Junk Street As shards from the recently breaking news rained down into the streets, residents fought to maintain consciousness through the pain. Surviving citizens sought comfort in each others arms, determined to experience love one more time before the end of it all. Recent events, as illustrated by snippets of vocal samples and fast tempo beats, are broken.
Things haven't been this broken since the news began breaking. Many are convinced that the fractured, seemingly incongruous nature of the latest updates on the situation sounds the death toll for all news. "The news has broken, " maintained a teary-eyed and humbled news analyst "nothing we can say or print can stop that now." Others, such as cackling demons flying above FOX News, disagree. "News has been breaking since the invention of human speech and people just keep on paying attention and absorbing, no matter what we tell them or how badly we do it."
Just as fascinated as our viewing audience, our dedicated corespondents in the field took samples of recent news and compared them to the news articles of yesteryear to determine the full extent of the recent fracturing of the overall news coverage. Overall, the conclusion was that at the present rate of deterioration there will soon be no news coverage in the far north, opening up the fabled Northwest passage for oil drilling. Many present in the study unexpectedly took flight for 'the hills' with scuba gear, however others were found drunk, carving their own tombstones. We approached one cautiously from upwind, avoiding twigs.
"I completely expect an October surprise." he asserted in a chipper fashion "Naturally it will be a surprise but people have become so jaded by all the shocking new updates in this situation that it's going to have to be a big one. A terrifying one. This just in..." he started humming and lit a match.
Further updates as events warrant.