UnNews:Breakfast cult drops toast butter-side up
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Breakfast cult drops toast butter-side up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 12:43:UTC)(
9 July 2009
This is the first report of a successful butter-side up dropping in history. According to the Breakfast Family, the group responsible for the major breakthrough, the toast cleanly fell through the air before landing with its buttered side facing upward. The experiment, if proven scientifically accurate, signals a revolution for the toast-dropping field.
The National Federation of Breakfast Physicists has yet to independently confirm the Breakfast Family's results but does not find their validity likely. According to NFBP chairman Cornelius Rooster, the Family's previous scientific announcements, including the supposed engineering of delicious rye bread, were eventually debunked through scientific rigor and evaluating the results as part of a balanced breakfast.
"It's outrageous to believe that the Breakfast Family possess the technology and skills necessary to drop toast with the butter side up," Rooster wrote in this morning's publication of scientific journal "Grains."
The Breakfast Family's reclusive leader, known only as The Baron, has not issued a public statement on the group's toast discovery. The Baron has not appeared publicly since 1956, when he published his best-seller philosophical treatise "Sunny Side Up." Now supposedly 130, his representatives claim he has found the keys to immortality, objective logic, and the closely-guarded secret of why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sources close to the Family speculate The Baron died in the late 1970s after consuming a man-sized eclair.
The International House of Pancakes released a formal memo this morning decrying the discovery, calling The Baron a "sick wizard of breakfast alchemy who should be put behind bars." An IHOP peacekeeping force, headed by Secretary General Mills, has been tasked with locating and defusing Breakfast Family sleeper cells set to launch when a strategically-placed egg timer reaches zero.
Toast dropping butter-side up creates massive opportunities for expanding the breakfast industry. Though the kitchen floor-cleaning market will undoubtedly collapse, new research in quantum breakfast physics will attract widespread scientific support. The Quisp mascot has already agreed to sign on to such a program, having been unemployed since his outing as a spy for lunch. Leading field researchers expect a simultaneous orange juice-milk hybrid within weeks after the toast experiment's replication.
The renowned Einstein Brothers' attempts to replicate the Breakfast Family's experiments are already underway. Breakfast magnate Bob Evans has abstained from the research, describing it as "unethical" and "lacking that farm-fresh taste."