UnNews:Brain surgery turns Senator Johnson from Democrat to Republican
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Brain surgery turns Senator Johnson from Democrat to Republican
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 4, 2016, 01:00:UTC)(
15 December 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- Doctors announced that an experimental brain surgery performed on Senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota was successful and that the patient was recovering well. The operation - the first of its kind performed on a human - was designed to switch a person's political orientation, in this case from Democrat to Republican. The procedure was first tested last year on Koko the monkey, whose fruit preference was successfully altered from bananas to oranges.
The idea for the surgery was developed by White House aide Karl Rove, who struggled to find a way for his party to maintain power in Congress after the unfavorable midterm elections last month. Rove took advantage of Johnson's recent incapacitation due to some sort of stroke to get his consent for the surgery.
The procedure itself is relatively simple in concept. Portions of the brain responsible for Democratic ideals are cut out or trimmed. U.S. capitol physician John Eisold explained, "For example, part of the parietal lobe is removed to reduce feelings of compassion." The doctor added that it's yet unknown what procedure must be performed to turn a Republican into a Democrat. "It may not even be possible at all, since we theorize it would have to involve adding new brain cells to make the person more intelligent."
With Senator Johnson a Republican, the Senate would stay in that party's control in January. The 50-50 tie would be broken by Vice President Cheney, who had himself undergone a major surgery last year (to remove his heart and replace it with one of steel). Democrats are appalled over the controversial surgery, and are already politicizing the event, with House speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi asserting that "the country's medical expertise and health care money would be better spent on trying to cure President Bush's advanced retardation."
Although Senator Johnson is still recovering, doctors are almost certain the operation was a complete success. His first words after awaking from the anesthesia were reportedly, "Get all the gay people out of my hospital room, make sure none of my treatment involves stem cells, and praise the Lord for President Bush and his glorious War in Iraq." The White House issued a statement wishing Johnson a speedy recovery so that "he can vote on our side by the time Congress convenes in January." Press Secretary Tony Snow said the President sent get-well flowers, along with the forms necessary for the senator to register as a Republican.
Meanwhile, the architect of the operation, Karl Rove, is enthusiastic about the results and future prospects. "By the next election cycle, we could have 100% of Congress back in Republican hands. We could perform these surgeries on a massive scale, kind of like the apes did with lobotomies in that 'Planet of the Apes' movie. Good stuff, good stuff," happily remarked Rove.