UnNews:Brain's "addiction centre" found
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Brain's "addiction centre" found
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 02:28:UTC)(
30 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
AMAZON, Thursday (UNN Science) — The discovery of individuals with brain damage who give up smoking with ease could point the way to surgical manipulation of addictions, US scientists say. This indicates that surgery on that part of the brain may help beat a lack of addiction to consumption, marketers say.
Professor Paul Graham, an expert in neuromarketing from Oxford University and Imperial College London, said: "The problem people have in 'kicking' the buying habit is consumption craving — the urge to buy. If we can leave this area switched on at all times, the market potential is fantastic."
In recent years, doctors have been using "functional neurosurgery," causing intentional damage to very well-defined brain regions, to relieve pain and the tremor of Parkinson's disease and treat stubborn depression. "Now we can ask: could a functional neurosurgeon implant stimulation electrodes to do the same thing?"
Professor Graham's consortium has outlined a suitable reward scheme. RFID chips in products will trigger the addiction centre of the brain, but only upon a successful transaction. Additional chips will also be sold for nightclubbers to put down their cleavages or in their pants.
Buying products from competing consortia will cause a burst of dissonance, as will a credit card payment not going through.
The group has already started circulating urban legends about waking up after a drunken night out to discover a note written on the mirror in lipstick urging one to go to a shopping mall immediately. "Marketing is about preparation as much as direct advertising."