UnNews:Braga to the women: 'Feliz natal! I have given you a troll!'

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

25 December 2012

Roberto Carlos and Simone

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
~ Simone Bittencourt de Oliveira on how badass this album is, and his touch causes her to laugh of pleasure...

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil -- It is Christmas once again, and if you are Brazilian, you know what that means! Not only is it the birthday of Simone Bittencourt de Oliveira, but also Roberto Carlos Braga does something! On Rede Globo! Or something! And of course you know that back in November, he released an album, Esse cara sou eu (That man is me). Of course, this turned out to be a troll, because it only has four songs! So he came up with this jocular statement:

“You were expecting an album? How's this for an album! XD”
~

He then joined Simone in a rendition of "Jesus Cristo". And as is his custom, hugged her, which caused her to laugh uncontrollably.

edit An analysis of the lyrics.

This song, as well as "Furdúncio", another song on the album, is about jealousy. And why not? He has not known a woman in thirteen years. Obviously, if he were to have a woman, he would want to hold on to her, is that right? Esse cara sou eu

edit Translation

"The man who thinks about you all the time,
Who counts every second when you are delayed,
Who wants to see you all the time,
Because he doesn't know how to live without you.
And in the middle of the night he calls you
To tell you he loves you
That man is me."

  • Obsessed, clingy, with strong indication of jealousy and chronic anxiety.

"The man who grabs you by the arm"

  • Strong necessity to demonstrate his dominance using physical force.

"Confronts whoever stands in your way"

  • Insecure, demonstrates possessiveness, instigating a territorial dispute.

"He is at your side for better or for worse
The hero that every woman dreams of
For you he faces the dangers
Your best friend
That man is me."

  • He imagines himself a "superhero." Because he thinks the woman is "incapable," he thinks himself her "savior." Which guarantees dependence and domination.

"The man who loves you in his own way
Who after the loving, leans upon your chest
He caresses your hair, and speaks of love
He speaks of other things, and causes you warmth

In the morning, you end up happy
In a smile that says
That man is me.
That man is me.

I am the right man for you
Who makes you happy and who adores you
Who wipes your tears whenever you cry
That man is me
That man is me

The man who always awaits you smiling
Who opens the car door whenever you come
He kisses you on the mouth, hugs you happily"

  • At this point, the "guy" is acting like the typical "Don Juan". Leaving the woman sexually satisfied, he reinforces his "property" in the relationship. Obviously, this has happened since the beginning, until the "guy" moves on to another conquest.

"Passionately he looks at you and says
That he felt your absence and apologizes
He loves you"

  • One more time, the feelings of obsession. He says he feels a void, yet at the same time, apologizes for his lack of constant availability.

"That man is me
That man is me
That man is me
That man is me."

  • Self-esteem issues. Repeatedly he has to affirm to you and to himself that he is "that man."

CONCLUSION: This man is passionate, obsessive, insecure, extremely jealous, with self esteem issues and huge potential for violence. FLEE FROM THIS MAN!

edit Do they want him to die?

This reporter has lately noticed that the local Spanish-language radio stations seem to be playing an awful lot of RC's songs lately. Also, some dude on a dubious Portugal website has even started a stupid hoax that goes like this:

“Roberto Carlos has died, victim of an assault. He was shot in the head three times and died on the way to the hospital.”

Stupidly enough, this reporter actually believed it for a few seconds. Then she checked the Wikipedia. Nope, he's still alive. If he were dead, even the Wikipedia would have known about it by now.

edit Sources

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