UnNews:Boy severs penis in half
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Boy severs penis in half
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 16:41:UTC)(
5 September 2007
TAMPA, FL- Travis Parker, 17, a part-time student, part-time grocery bagger, full-time artistic genious, managed to sever his penis in half Sunday in what authorities have only called “an arts and crafts experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong.”
Parker, who often indulges in arts and crafts related activities, was in the process of making a giant collage of the covers of his favorite Tom Cruise movies when his hand slipped, causing his scissors to snip his penis in half.
"Some people haven't been able to understand how my hand could've just 'slipped' like that," Parker said. "But that's to be expected. Some people just can't comprehened the intensity of the creative process."
Parker, a dedicated student of the arts, has had mixed emotions about the entire ordeal.
“At first I was kind of pissed that I accidentally cut through Tom’s face. Then I was just pretty pissed that I had split my dong in two.”
Parker was rushed to the hospital by his mother and upon arrival was admitted into the Emergency Room. His attending doctors met him with what Parker has described as "a cocktail consisting of 20% intrigue, 79% laughter and 1% arousal."
His doctors have been baffled by the situation, some saying that they have never seen anything like it.
“I've been practicing for thirty years, and this is new to me," Dr. Maury said. “And I’ve seen some pretty bizarre stuff, too. Homeless guy came in once with a pigeon literally sewed to his arm. When I asked him how it happened, he told me that he 'never wanted to be shat on again,' and would 'much rather be able to control the shat in question.' He then proceeded to tell me that halfway through the stitching he began to reconsider the logistics of his idea.”
"I've never seen anything like it," said Dr. Reynolds.
Parker is currently awaiting surgery at Bay Area hospital. Doctors have yet to determine the best course of action.
“There are a lot of options in front of us. We can sew it back together if he thinks he can pull off that whole Frankenstein look. Or, you know, we could just cut it off,” Dr. Maury stated.
In spite of the situation, Parker has remained in good spirits throughout the entire ordeal. “The whole deal is kind of bittersweet, you know? I mean, on one hand, I cut my penis in half. On the other hand, I kind of have two dicks now. That’s twice as many as before.”
When asked whether or not this incident would affect his arts and crafts hobby, Parker replied that he would not be deterred from his passion by an issue so trivial.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|