UnNews:Boy Scouts introduce new merit badges
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
7 January 2007
“Times have changed,” BSA spokesman Boyd Thomas, told reporters at the organization’s press conference yesterday outside its New York headquarters. “The new badges are a recognition of these changes.”
The youth organization’s executive officers have decided to discontinue the following awards, for the reasons cited:
- American Heritage - “This badge is an embarrassment to the Boy Scouts,” Thomas said. “Its ethnocentrism is an insult to the hardworking immigrants who arrive each day from Mexico, risking their lives to cross inhospitable terrain, often traveling in automobile trunks in which they are packed like sardines in a can, minus the brine, perhaps, or in groups that die of thirst and exposure in the American deserts. We need to be more inclusive as a nation. The United States has been blessed with great resources which we need to share with others who are less fortunate and, through not fault of their own, enter our country illegally. We are working to eliminate borders so that all men and women, boys and girls, and indeterminate intersexes will be one people. Multiculturalism, not ethnocentrism, and brotherly love, not xenophobia, are the waves of the future, and it‘s these values and attitudes that we want to foster and promote among our charges, many of whom shall become America‘s future leaders.”
- Athletics - “This award is unnecessary,” Thomas contends. “It fosters competition instead of cooperation, rewarding genetic inheritance instead of team spirit. The days of the frontier, when men were men, is long gone. We don’t need machismo and virility any longer. We need sensitive, caring men who are not afraid to wear a pair of silk panties under their slacks or jeans and are not adverse or averse to wearing a little lip gloss on occasion. At the Council, we promote the ongoing feminization of American boys. An Athletics Badge does not help us to reach these goals.”
- Rifle Shooting and Shotgun Shooting - These are actually two awards, but the similarity in the activities that they promote have led the Boy Scouts leaders to discontinue both. “We want to devalue gun ownership and use,” Thomas declared, “so, in the words of Charlton Heston, we won’t have to pry guns from the cold, dead fingers of our boys. We don’t need guns, despite the Constitution’s asinine provision of gun ownership as a citizen’s right. We have the military; that’s bad enough.”
The discontinued awards will be replaced with these new badges:
- Abortion On Demand - This award rewards the efforts of Scouts who have demonstrated commitment to overcoming the so-called Right-to-Life movement’s denial of choice to pregnant women, many of them unwed teens, to terminate their pregnancies by killing their babies, in or out of the womb. Thomas contended, “We are a free nation, and, as such, we should respect and promote freedom, even when it involves decisions that we ourselves might not care to make. A woman’s body is her own, and a baby’s body is expendable, if she wishes to be free of the parasite and its nuisance.”
- GLBT - This badge recognizes the recipient’s diligence in promoting the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community’s agenda and in overcoming or curbing homophobia. “The Scouts have come under a lot of fire for its anti-gay stance in allowing homosexuals into the organization as pedophile Scout masters,” Thomas recalled. “This badge signals our willingness--our eagerness--to be more accommodating to their community and to make a proactive effort to stifle discrimination against gays of all kinds.” The adoption of this new badge will "give a whole new meaning to the term scout master," Thomas suggested. with emphasis on "master."
- War No More - This decoration awards its honoree’s dedication in opposing the “quagmire that is Iraq” and “all other wars in which the United States was, is, or shall become involved,” conveying both the organization and the individual wearer’s aversion and opposition to armed combat, even in the cause of genuine defense. “If it’s come to arms, it’s gone too far,” Thomas declared. “Instead of a militant attitude toward those who have differences with us with regard to human rights, political corruption, or hostility toward their neighboring countries, we should promote diplomacy. War is never a good solution. Even Hitler, we believe, would have listened to reason if the Allied powers had bother to communicate with him.”
Not all of the Scouts are happy with the organization’s decisions to eliminate some badges while introducing new ones to replace them. Lenny Snodgrass said, “I worked hard to earn my Beaver’s Eater badge. Now, they’re telling me it’s ‘irrelevant.’ If it was meaningless, why didn’t they say so before I wasted weeks and months of my time and energy, not to mention my parents’ money, pursuing the damned thing? The next time I see some old biddy trying to cross the street, instead of helping her, I’m going to push the bitch in front of oncoming traffic. Maybe the Boy Scouts will give me a merit badge for euthanasia.”
“Yes, I’m bitter about the changes,” Young Republican Myron Myerson said. “They’re motivated by political correctness, not by a concern for the improvement of Scouts’ characters or morals or the welfare of the organization as a whole.”
Likewise, Brandon Mathers contended, "We're kids. As such, we should be allowed to grow up without being used as pawns in adults' political squabbles."
Told of the discontent among many of his organization's rank and file, Thomas said, "They'll learn the errors of their ways. That's partly what the new Boy Scouts is all about."