UnNews:Boy Scouts bans dangerous weapons

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Boy Scouts bans dangerous weapons

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21 May 2015


You see these kids? Give them a marshmallow shooter and you get one step away from hardened criminals.

IRVING, Texas -- The National Council of the Boy Scouts of America has unveiled new policies to ensure the safety, security and political correctness of each Scout chapter across the nation. The policy includes a list of items no longer approved for scouting activities.

Banned items include those that are weapons, look like weapons, or make someone think of weapons; including guns, water guns, potato guns, Ninja stars and other Throwing Stars.

Canadian Soldiers

You see what happens with water guns? Unconscionable!

An official blog reminded Scouts of the Sixth Point of the Scout Law, to-wit, "a scout is kind." The blog asserted that pointing a firearm at another person, real, simulated, or otherwise, cannot possibly be considered an act of kindness. This goes as well for water balloons that might be thrown at another scout (unless tossed underhand). Balloons smaller than a lima bean are exempt.

Also sickles, the tool the the Grim Reaper carries around, couldn't possibly be considered a kind tool, so we are banning sickles, and anything with a sickle in it, simulated or otherwise. This includes Popsicles, bicycles, tricycles, and encyclopedias. Anything that might even remotely look or sound like a sickle is banned."

The blog went on to say that activities should be very carefully scrutinized to exclude any and all unkindness, and promoted activities of a nurturing type such as playing with dolls or something related to a PBS Kids television show.

Scout leaders across the nation reacted not unlike a deer in the headlights. Fred Herbert, Scoutmaster of Troop 1192 in Fort Worth, Texas, described the change as "the gayest policy I have ever seen" and predicted he would lose half his troop. In fact, recruiting gay Scoutmasters is a gayer project, undertaken by an entirely different Working Group of the National Council, which predicts there will be plenty new entertaining activities for Scouts.

George Zimmer, his assistant Scoutmaster, agreed with the sentiment. "The potato gun building contest was the biggest event we had every summer. I could even get the kids who wanted nothing to do with scouts to come to that. Some even liked it so much that they kept on coming and became Eagle Scouts. Now they just take it away from us. These guys are a couple bricks short of a load if you ask me."

Herbert and Zimmer had been meeting with several other area leaders to discuss the implementation of the new policies. However, things got ugly later when the leaders voted to arm their troops with water guns and marshmallow shooters and head for Irving to overthrow the national council. Upon arriving in Irving, 12 scouts and 3 leaders were gunned down in self defense by the local police. Because all of the dead scouts were white, Loretta Lynch will not be investigating the shooting.

Not everyone, however, is in disagreement with the new national policy. Carly Francis, a Cub Scout den leader in Sunnyvale, California, who has a rainbow flag bumper sticker next to her scouting one, liked the idea.

"It's about time someone came up with something sensible", she said. "I mean one of my scouts came to a meeting with a very unkind-looking Hulk Hogan lunch box one time, and I couldn't really do anything about it. Now with the kindness policy, there will be nothing but happy, fuzzy, warm, goodness in my meetings from now on. This should help me get more boys to come to scouts. Lately I've only had one or two come each week. I think more will come now."

However, Mizz Francis may be in the minority. A comment on the Scout blog (which was quickly removed) reminded readers of the Eighth Point of the same Scout Law, which is decidedly at risk. It states that "a scout is cheerful."

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