UnNews:Blue Froot Loops Discovered, Revealed Gay
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Blue Froot Loops Discovered, Revealed Gay
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 26, 2016, 20:04:UTC)(
30 October 2007
BATTLE CREEK, Michigan -- Following complaints by children around the world, Kellogg's claims to have discovered blue Froot Loops cereal. The discovery was made at noon last Thursday in the Papua New Guinean rainforest and was only just announced by PR agent/pedophile Toucan Sam. Kellogg's claims the find will bolster their stock quotes as, quoting Toucan Sam, "We just released a new brand of cereal, something which only happens about every hour."
However, not all are as enthusiastic about the discovery. In particular, an anonymous Papua New Guinean chieftain stated that "Our tribe use blue ring for thousand year. We at peace with nature. White man steal our resource and get toucan too close to children." Nonetheless, Kellogg's has issued grant money to any dentist, engineer, or convenience store clerk who tries to prove that the Froot Loops are in fact useless as a cure for erectile dysfunction, which is what the tribe traditionally used it for. Due to the failure of finding test subjects, this remains unresearched as of yet, though many parents reported that their children have locked their bedroom doors after eating the cereal, often skipping school.
Some experiments have however been performed. In particular, Dr. Steven Dawkins used a set of 364 criteria to determine the gayness of cereal, stating that vector is the only cereal gayer than Blue Froot Loops is Lucky Charms. The discovery has been endorsed by Albus Dumbledorem, who states they will help children realize it's okay to embrace their sexuality. J.K. Rowling, who created Dumbledore, also recently signed a contract with the SciFi channel to create a 6 part miniseries on the life of young Dumbledore. The channel said it will be "the world's first gay fantasy high school romance special".
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|