UnNews:Bishop of York in 'Scally', Substance Seizure Shock
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Bishop of York in 'Scally', Substance Seizure Shock
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 15:42:UTC)(
2 May 2006
Dr John Sentamu, Archbishop of York was today sensationally uncovered as a secret member of The Scally Church. Undercover reporters posing as members of the secret society of 'Chavs' infiltrated a top secret meeting of the brethren, or 'bruvvas' in the underground cellar of Bradford Grammar School, West Yorkshire, where the Archbishop addressed a congregation of fellow hooded followers.
Ugandan-born Sentamu, known for his strong, often contoversial views and opinions, gave a rousing speech in front of over 600 members promoting such values as respect for authority, intercourse before marriage and theft of hub caps followed the ceremonial consumption of Stella Artois and numerous cigarettes. The ceremony closed with the traditional announcement 'let us join in traditional passing of the bong', which was initiated by Sentamu himself.
It was at this point that Police called a halt to proceedings, alerted by undercover officers. Numerous cannabis plant were seized along with considerable amounts of the illegal substance. 75 men and 15 women were charged with the possession of the drug, but Sentamu was released without charge, citing medicinal use of cannabis as treatment for the 'psychological and political damage' suffered during his earlier life in his homeland of Uganda.
Commenting on the incident immediately after being released, Sentamu announced:
"Whilst I am proud of my scally heritage, the way in which the public have been made aware of this is rather unfortunate. Chavs like us are treated as outcasts in society, taunted for their worship of the holy weed, but are the ones who will surely ascend to a higher plane when judgement day comes: a week on Tuesday."
The whereabouts of over 1,000 cans of beer which disappeared in mysterious circumstances immediately following the raid by 50 members of the police is, however, still unknown.