UnNews:Bin Laden dies; E. coli lauded
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Bin Laden dies; E. coli lauded
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 31, 2016, 02:15:UTC)(
25 September 2006
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ABUWAHARUTAZEKIMAN, Pakistan -- Recent rumors surrounding the possibility that Osama bin Laden may be deceased as a result of illness are rumors no more. Pakistan officials are now confirming that Osama bin Laden is indeed dead as a direct result of eating contaminated spinach.
E. coli, the bacteria which is believed to have killed bin Laden and caused a scare nationwide, halting the distribution of bagged frozen spinach, is believed to have been the sole cause of death for bin Laden. Immediately after the "rumor" was confirmed by Snopes, George Bush pulled all troops out of Afghanistan. E. coli, the sole cause of bin Laden's death, was recently awarded a Medal of Honor. Unfortunately, the bounty on the head of bin Laden was awarded to Donald Rumsfeld, because in the end he's the one who really made this all possible.
As a result of this incident, the government is also looking into the possibility of utilizing vegetables as weapons of warfare, though this was introduced in The Carnivwar.
Bin Laden's body, which remains undiscovered, is expected to be raped in an act of necrophilia by both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice (somehow). From there, the head of bin Laden is expected to be removed, stuffed, and placed on a mantle in the White House Oval Office, right next to the stuffed heads of Richard Nixon and Karl Marx.
Al-Qaeda is expected to replace bin Laden with Michael Moore, an American filmmaker who gained notoriety for being an asshole, with such exploits as, "America Sucks" and "I <3 France". Amongst his film accomplishments, he also released a rap demo album in 2004, titled, "Demo: Crats", which was an embarrassment to the already embarrassing rap culture.
Fortunately, Michael Moore is a vegetarian and the FDA has approved the redistribution of bagged frozen spinach. We can only hope...