21 December 2006
According to the CIA’s one remaining Arabic translator, the video claims Bin Laden orchestrated an elaborate plot to weaken the Wii wrist straps before they hit the shelves on November 19—a day that will live in infamy. “Without the protection of the wrist straps the infidel is helpless,” Bin Laden intoned in the recording, “They will die like dogs playing Wii Tennis.”
Gaming experts note that the weakened straps have taken a heavy toll among pasty, uncoordinated tweens across the country, but they downplay the significance of the attack. “Al Queda is obviously misreading the U.S. market on this one,” said PlayStation enthusiast Julio Sanchez, adding, “If they really wanted to cause damage they could have set up a series of drive byes to take out people waiting for the PS3.”
Still, many experts couldn’t help but be enraged that Al Queda would sink so low as to attack Wii players, widely considered the weakest, most vulnerable members of society. “This is really despicable,” said Lt. General P. F. Chang, “These poor Wii players are often seriously injured tying their own shoes. They’re babes in the woods! Terrorists truly are evil.”
In addition to conventional dangers associated with the Wii, such as stubbed fingers and broken plasma screen TVs, some national security experts fear that this is part of a much more insidious plot. “Wii is one of the few games that can get fat kids moving,” said health expert Richard Simmons. “If the terrorists stop our kids from playing Wii, a whole generation of Americans will surely become morbidly obese and be suffocated by their own massive neck flab.”
Immediately after Simmons made that comment, Al Queda released another tape claiming responsibility for the rising rate of obesity among U.S. children. “We are making you too fat to live,” said Bin Laden in the tape waving a box of ding dongs and a can of Cheez WhizTM. Postmarks on the envelope carrying the latest tapes indicate they were sent from a location in Pakistan. The White House repsonded to the tapes by indicating plans were already in the works to attack Algeria.
UPDATE: Osama Bin Laden released a tape taking responsibility for the blizzards in Colorado that have inconvenienced holiday travelers and closed government building and schools. In a taped recording, Bin Laden claims that if everyone in the United States does not commit ritual suicide in the next 12 months he will repeat the devastating attack next year at roughly the same time.