UnNews:Bin Laden Declared Victor of Hide-and-Seek Contest
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Bin Laden Declared Victor of Hide-and-Seek Contest
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 26, 2016, 21:48:UTC)(
31 May 2006
SOMEWHERE IN THE MOUNTAINS, near Kabul, Afganistan -- Foiling the combined monetary and technological resources of the mightiest nation ever on the planet might seem like a tall order, but not for terrorist leader and former CIA trainee Osama bin Laden, who was today declared the Winner of the 14th Annual International Hide-and-Seek Championship, sponsored by Virgin Atlantic Airlines. Bin Laden, who was able to successfully pass the blame of the September 11, 2001, destruction of New York's World Trade Center to former ally, Saddam Hussein, has been artfully dodging everything from trained hunting dogs to multi-billion dollar satellite systems for five years "running."
We caught up with bin Laden at an undisclosed location on a mountain somewhere in Afghanistan to find out what tricks he's used to avoid capture all these years. "I'm a speedy guy," said the formerly hairy leader. "I keep on my toes, travel light, and keep shifting my base of operations." Bin Laden also uses a variety of disguises designed to fool would-be attackers. When we met with him, gone was the iconic beard, making him practically indistinguishable from noted insane televangenlist Pat Robertson.
Bin Laden also wears a shiny hat made of aluminum foil to throw off such high-tech equipment as satellite imaging and infra-red scanners. "They spend billions, and I got this at the 99 Drachmas Store in Kabul," said bin Laden. "It's all just a lot of P.R. and B.S. Believe me, I know what the United States government spends its taxpayer money on."
When asked if he would attend the ceremony to pick up his Hide-and-Seek trophy, he said that he would love to, but he had a scheduling conflict, and one of his nearly 6,000 Second-in-Commands would probably be sent in his place.