Billions affected by the flood in China
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 18:06:UTC)(
21 June 2011
Millions have been forced to flee their homes in fear of the virus and the subsequent physical blemishes caused by its infection. Billions more, however, have suffered far greater due to interruptions to their normal television coverage, with tedious disaster-related news dominating the airwaves.
The Flood is a species of parasitic organisms that reproduce and grow by consuming sentient life forms of sufficient biomass and cognitive capability, which has been attributed to why they chose Eastern China and not Pakistan. The Flood infects its victim’s brain as an airborne spore by burrowing into its host's ear, presumably with some sort of micro-space-shovel. It then slowly transforms its host into a disfigured, marauding, zombie-like creature with a rather unpleasant, and megalomaniac disposition.
Recent heavy meteor showers are believed to be responsible for the outbreak of the Flood. The "People’s Super Happy Republic of China Meteorology and Smiles Department" have unwaveringly denied this claim, releasing an official refutation stating, "Weather totally fine, what worry? You go now!" The suspected meteor showers in question have self-incriminated themselves by refusing to answer any inquiries.
In a ground breaking interview, a biologically transformed Flood victim calling itself Gravemind McGee was happy enough to share its thoughts on the outbreak. "Well, we were just sitting around at work one day and thought it’d be a real hoot to obliterate all known life forms in the galaxy, and the Earth seemed like a pretty reasonable place to start annihilating. So far it’s been good fun and it’s been great to get out of the office and stretch my tentacles, that’s for sure. Also, I absolutely love Chinese, but, I couldn’t eat a whole one."
The Chinese Government’s initial plans to combat the Flood were met with limited success. After consultation with the American Government via hastily acquired translators, they decided to take their advice and send in a sole combatant, a futuristic super soldier exclusively known as the Master Chef. Press conference questions put towards the government regarding the outcome of this military effort were met with a quiet cough, uncomfortable silence and unnecessary paper shuffling.
U.S. Intelligence agencies have discovered Chinese blueprints depicting a giant ring-shaped, space based military installation, capable of obliterating the galaxy given the title "Hei Lo." However, the Chinese Government insists all is fine, and they won’t be destroying the galaxy - just yet.