UnNews:Bill Gates blows fortune on bubble gum
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Bill Gates blows fortune on bubble gum
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 11:37:UTC)(
16 December 2006
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REDMOND, Washington -- Bill Gates, owner of the Microsoft corporation and widely known as the richest man in the world, was named a "Complete Jackass" by Forbes magazine for having spent his entire $53 billion fortune on purchasing all the gum in the world.
When questioned at a press conference, Gates confirmed the reports. "When I was a kid I couldn't afford much gum and I swore, someday, I would buy all the gum in the world. For years now I've been spending all my money on houses, Lear jets, crushing my competitors and so on. I finally decided to do something for myself. I decided to make my childhood dream come true."
For Gates, the fallout has been immediate and profound. "Melinda left and took the kids. The house in Washington got repossessed. Neither Warren Buffet or Bono will return my calls. I live in a small apartment, and I'm working three jobs to maintain the rent on the gum warehouse outside Topeka."
"I'm very disappointed," Said Dolores Gates, mother to the ex-billionaire, "I remember, as a boy, he used to blow his allowance on his pack-a-day habit. I tried everything to get him to quit: therapy, hypnosis, motivational tapes. I even tried to get him to start smoking cigarettes to replace the oral fixation. I guess I'm a complete failure as a mother. Oh, Bill, why have you hurt me so?"
Gates, however, remains an optimist, "There's a silver lining in every cloud. For example, I now have an elegant, muscular jawline." He now has been put into Gum Chewers Anonymous, which recently had its total participents nearly double at almost 2 and a half people.