Bigger than Sliced Bread?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, April 18, 2019, 19:10:UTC)(
7 January 2008
PROSTEHLETISE, Texas --
"Oh my god, you can really see it. Just look at that crust!"
"It's a miracle! This really takes the shine off the whole virgin birth thing."
"Oh this is just like the Dr. Vichy Code... I feel so conspiricised!"
The sounds of crowds marveling over the painting of St Mary; Pilgrims have been flocking to the Suffolk town of Piddington today after a local woman claimed to have seen a vision of a piece of toast on a picture of the Virgin Mary at her local church. Betty Tilley, 62, was praying silently at the Sacred Heart Catholic church when she looked up to see a ray of light slanting in through the window, illuminating a reproduction painting of the Virgin Mary and as she moved closer she was amazed by what she saw.
"There’s just no question in my mind that it was a miracle. Right there, on the face of the Holy Mary, Mother of God, I could see a nice piece of toasted sliced white bread. The amazing thing is that it was just like the one I had had for breakfast, so clearly this must be some kind of message from God."
When news of the apparition spread, a crowd of pilgrims rapidly flocked to the church to witness the toast miracle for themselves. A tented camp sprang up and around two thousand people from all over the UK started queueing for a chance to view the holy snack solution. As the news spreads around the world, crowds from all countries are expected to come and witness the miracle with their own eyes - many churches in Mid-western USA have organized weekend bus trips to Piddington.
Not since the appearance of a taco on the face of an Elvis photo in Graceland has apparition caused so much controversy. Some claimed that the appearance of the toast heralded the end of the world as know it, and that a new world order based on liberty, justice and wholewheat loaves for all would soon follow.
Others have been less than impressed by the apparition. Professor Mark Munroe, head Theologist at Oxford, suggests that it could just be caused by damp, before being chased out of town by a pitchfork wielding mob.
Local youths, when asked about the situation, remarked,
"Oh man, that lil' mofo Billy, I tells him to draw tits an' e' draws toast, innit."