UnNews:Big Brother Bush: ‘unwar in Eurasia unfar’
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Big Brother Bush: ‘unwar in Eurasia unfar’
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 19:41:UTC)(
25 August 2007
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Washington, D.C. (UnNews) --In bigspeak goodnews, Big Brother Bush (BBB) today promised an early end to the nonpeace in Eurasia.
Announcing Operation SURGE (Shoot Up Rag-Head Guerilla Enemies also known as Super Ultra Radical Genocide Enforcement) from the unconcrete area outside the Nonblack House, BBB said, “This is doubleplus good news. Oceania has always sought unwar but in order to deal with the dark, murdering armies of Eurasia whose only honor is atrocity, USSOC will commit a further 30,000 troops to the Malabar Front in an effort to create a permanent unwar situation.”
Eurasia responded swiftly to the statement. The country’s President, Adverbi Al-Malarkey dismissed the Oceanic threat and rallied his troops saying, “We will fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. When I say “we” I do of course mean “you” as I shall hide in my reinforced bunker under Baghdad until the whole thing blows over. Thank you and good night”
In a later press conference, Malarkey told our UnNews reporter Ian Corridgable, “Oceania continually fails to realize that its real enemy is not Eurasia but the evil Goldstein and his treacherous band of homeland security terrorists. The sooner BBB brings his troops home the sooner we can all get a good night's sleep without the infernal racket of war.”
In a separate announcement, a USSOC spokesperson who gave her name only as Julia told reporters, “Former minipax chief Dick Cheney is now an unperson. All records of Cheney’s involvement in government affairs will be expunged and Cheney will undergo rehabilitation.”
The move follows discovery of 1984 videotape in which Cheney misguidedly criticizes BBB’s brilliant military strategy in Eurasia. As he was led away to Room 101 for “reprogramming” Cheney commented cryptically, “I told you so.”
Ryan Crocker-Shite, Oceania’s ambassador to Eurasia said, “There must be some mistake. I thought we were at war with Eastasia, not Eurasia?”