UnNews:Biden thrusts against "naked" Crimea

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19 March 2014

Joe-biden

Jeezus, honey, cover that up, guys will stare at you, for Chrissakes!

SOVIET CRIMEA -- The U.S. administration sent its rhetorical heavyweights against the Russian attempt to turn the Crimea into a big, Soviet nudist colony.

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden stated that Russia “stood alone, naked in front of the world” at the United Nations. He also accused Russia of “naked territorial aggression” in its annexation of the Ukraine resort penisula. Mr. Biden is the Administration's expert on standing naked in a debate, acquiring new credentials every time he speaks, particularly when he urges veterans in wheelchairs to “stand up and take a bow.” But the renewed emphasis on clothes-shedding surely reflects Administration worry that the Crimea will become a world-class destination for nudists, unfairly competing with American nudism Meccas like Chatsworth, California.

NewMapCrimea01

New local map of the area in question.

Mr. Biden raised Democrats' worries about upstaging the President on sexual issues, as he did when declaring the Administration “gay-friendly” two weeks in advance of a signature Obama speech. Mr. Biden declared that “all the nations of the world would reject” the recent referendum in which the Crimea voted to become a part of Russia, whose tanks were already directing traffic in most tight routes to the nude beaches. His remarks raised questions about the difficulties for the Administration when the nations of the world do not reject it and the Americans don't either.

A sign that the Administration was playing tough was that Secretary of State John Kerry chimed in. He declared that, in future international competitions, Russian golfers would have to let opponents drive from the women's tee, Russian diplomats would have to squat to pee in bathrooms in U.S. Government buildings after being denied access to urinals, and unspecified other sanctions might also be forthcoming.

On the Republican side, Presidential candidate John McCain criticized the Administration's efforts. “I don’t know how it could have been weaker,” he said. McCain declared he would not volunteer to be the first Senator to doff his swim trunks in the new nudism capital, but would happily vote to draft young Americans to fly over and do so. He also giggled that a nuclear weapon “might really heat up their naughty bits.”

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