UnNews:Bicycle presses charges for sexual assault against owner
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Bicycle presses charges for sexual assault against owner
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 26, 2017, 19:11:UTC)(
27 October 2007
A man has been arrested this morning for sexual assault against his bicycle. "Oh god, officers help me!" Quoted by the bicycle, who was traumatized who was raped by his owner. "The man (who chose to not release his name to the press) said that he felt horny tonight and that he had no one around tonight to have sex with." Confirmed by one of the police officers in the scene.
The bicycle (who can surprisingly talk) was traumatized and hospitalized at the auto repair down the street. "Oh god, it was horrible! He was rubbing his... thing, onto my seat and was humping my wheels every opportunity he can get." Quoted by the bicycle. "The bicycle couldn't stop talking about his ordeal. Poor guy..." Said by one of the police officers.
The bicycle was also reported missing two months ago and was glad that he can finally go back to his family. The bicycle who had been raped said that he wanted the man executed if he won the case.
During the case, the bicycle had nearly everyone on his side but the defendant was proven not guilty due to insanity. The man was then only sentenced to apologizing to the bicycle's family and paying a twenty dollar fine. "It was okay, everything ended the way it was." Said the bicycle who had regenerated his confidence back from his ordeal. The bicycle and his family then left the building. A few hours later, the defendant was seen raping a car against its muffler. The man declined comment.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|