UnNews:Biblical Olympic events get IOC go-ahead
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Biblical Olympic events get IOC go-ahead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, April 28, 2016, 22:13:UTC)(
14 August 2009
In a brief and bizarre press conference, Jacques "The Light" Rogge, IOC President and part-time televangilist, explained the new events as the result of "divine guidance". "Ze Lord, ee say to me een a dream: 'Jacques! Take Rick Warren's money!' So, zen I deed." Flabbergasted reporters were also interested in why rugby and golf, two sports widely tipped to be included in the games, were overlooked. "For ze golf, eet is only exciting to see ze pantalons de John Daly," explained Rogge. "Et rugby, eet is too much like ze sodomy, no?"
Bible-literalists and WorldNetDaily editors gleefully celebrated the news by claiming that the book of Revelation was finally coming true, and promised that this time they weren't just joking around. For his reaction to the announcement, UnNews interviewed Jebediah Dormant, a popular rural faith-healer and the CEO of the West Virginia Olympic Committee. "Ah'm so thankful to our sweet Lord for showing the Eye-Oh-See the light, on this matter, m'yeah," said Dormant, while happily finishing a cross-stitched picture of Jesus riding a velociraptor.
His neighbour Manatee Williams agreed, saying that this was the only way for the United States "to win more medals than them commies. Only thing is, this Plague Decathlon has got me a bit worried... Presume'bly y'all need a first-born son, and I ain't got none! It's disrim'nation!"
- Jacques Rogge "Rogge Ministries' Symposium of John Daly's trousers". Jesus Juice Pub. Corp., August 14, 2009
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|