UnNews:Bettie Page rises from the grave
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Bettie Page rises from the grave
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 00:50:UTC)(
16 December 2008
LOS ANGELES, California - During her funeral at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery, the undead pin-up girl ripped open her coffin and started spraying a black blood-like substance on the guests, instantly changing them into pin-up model zombies. At the cemetery, she revived several prominent actresses and models buried there, among which is Marilyn Monroe.
Surviving relatives have stated:
|I thought things could hardly get any worse for her after she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was placed under state supervision for eight years. I was terribly wrong.|
|We should have kept her in a coma, at least she wouldn't have gotten all zombiotic.|
Fans assert that:
|How can she ever die? She has been an idol, a goddess, to so many. It would be heretical. She had no choice but to return to the realm of the living and turn us all into her slaves.|
Bettie Page is presently spreading her legions across the USA. Her cult following has considerably increased in numbers. She claims that:
|You will all love and worship me as your immortal queen! KYAHAHAHA!|