UnNews:Bert Found in Connection with Micheal Jackson Rape Case
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Bert Found in Connection with Micheal Jackson Rape Case
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 15:41:UTC)(
3 August 2008
Sesame Street,New York: Today, at 11:49 A.M, FBI squads raided Bert's home. What they found at the scene was far too horrible to describe, but we'll tell you anyway. "Yeah, we found a lot. News clippings with Bert on them, all right near world terrorist leaders. Either lurking in the background or about to kill them, he was there."
"The pidgeons he's always talking about? Meth filled bongs in the shape of the fuzzy suckers."
"It was horrible. We found evidence he was connected to so much more, but this was one of the few items that had actually been declassified. The others were goverment secrets, and those were things we couldn't tell you."
"There's been so many conspiracies going on, but they've all been proved up to now."
"Mugabe's election, 9/11, Nelson Mandela, President Bush, The Iraq war, he's in every photo, every press conference!" The FBI agent, sadly, was found dead behind Bert's house, but the FBI suspects Bert had nothing to do with it. The reporter was also found dead. May he rest in peace."
"Since all the killings, Bert's been suspected of dealing with blue Elmo."
"Ernie was never here for comment, we think he's dead. Bert would have killed him because Ernie was always a rat."
"We've been getting information on Bert from him for coke, meth, and anything else that would stop Bert from killing him, so it was always a win-win deal."
If you ever see Bert, and you're female, he won't rape you. If you're male, however, back away slowly, or always carry some crack with you. Scientists have proven that if given any drugs, there is a 0.09 percent chance he won't rape or kill you.
Micheal Jackson was available for comment, and when asked about this by the zombie'd corpse of the reporter who's death can or cannot be attributed to Bert, he only cried, saying "He touched me in so many bad places, it hurts to talk about them. I didn't mean to molest those boys, it was an honest mistake! I'M SORRY!" He later ran off, crying like a little pussy.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|