UnNews:Berkeley residents to decide Bush's fate
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Berkeley residents to decide Bush's fate
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 00:56 (UTC)
1 July 2006
BERKELEY, CA (USB) - Under a little-known statute, the City Council of Berkeley, CA has elected to have its citizens decide the fates of President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney. In a stunning revelation that Constitutional scholars only learned about this week, the little-known 28th Amendment grants Berkeley (and only Berkeley) the exclusive right to impeach the President. Evidently, said amendment was passed by the student government of the University of California-Berkeley, the ASUC, who was granted the right to pass Constitutional amendments in a little-known addendum in the 27th Amendment written in invisible ink (but ruled enforcable by the Supreme Court last Monday).
Residents were astounded at their new-found power. "I have the right to impeach Bush? That's like, weird..." said one Berkeley resident. "I thought Congress impeached Presidents? Well, I guess Berkeley's more educated than Congress..." said a Cal student, a Political Science major. Conservatives are decidedly unhappy about the situation, but have accepted Berkeley's right to decide. "I guess we'll have to recruit some out-of-towners to move here so that we can keep Bush in office", said one of the two registered Republicans who live in Berkeley city limits. The other Republican was similarly distraught, but felt confident that Bush would survive, stating that "if all else fails, there's always the nuclear option..."
Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security is deploying all available anti-terrorism units to Berkeley, sighting "a visible increase in al-Qaida, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and Communist Party activity in the area". Members of the ASUC (the Cal student government) trumpeted this, and one ASUC Senator, elected on the Hamas ticket (which is also gaining momentum in the University of Michigan student government) exclaimed "BRING IT ON, DHS!!!". Radical campus group BAMN is also mobilizing in support of the anti-Bush campaign, as Bush is, th their words, "a Jim Crow segregationist from Texas who doesn't care about black people",
Bush is expected to be impeached in a landslide - according to the Buck poll, the impeachment vote is presently hovering around 95%, with 3% opposed and 2% undecided. No word yet on whether Bush plans to declare war on Berkeley, though the administration has been quoted saying that it is "under consideration". After the Bush impeachment, The City Council's next plan is to impeach Tony Blair, but the Act of Parliament to give Berkeley this power has been stalled in the House of Lords by members of Plaid Cymru angry about the City Council's dress code (which disallows plaid).
- Kristin Bender "To impeach or not to impeach: That is the question in Berkeley". Inside Bay Area, June 29, 2006